Kissing and cuddling while in a Christian dating relationship, Pastor Jim shares his thoughts about physical contact while dating. What are your thoughts? Do you agree? Give this advice piece a read and let us know your thoughts in the comments below!
Aside: We have more than a few testimonials (including Carolyn and Marty – “Our first kiss was at the altar” – and Veronique and Thomas – “And, yes, that [wedding] day we exchanged our very first kiss on the lips”) of couples who waited until their wedding day to have their first kiss.
KISSING & CUDDLING: A SIN?
Today I received an email asking whether or not kissing and cuddling are considered a sin. There is nothing sinful about the activity of kissing or cuddling, depending upon the definition one gives to these words. When is it okay and when is it something that becomes unhealthy?
Define what it means
The first place to begin in considering this type of interaction is with the couple involved. Each of them needs to define what it means to them. However, a kiss may be seen as a caring gesture and not have a sexual connotation to one, while the other person may be stimulated into sexual thoughts and response just by thinking about it. The topic is one that needs to be openly discussed and mutual acceptance of a definition that works for each of them.
I am reminded of my definition for sex: any activity that has as its intent or develops into a sexual stimulation is sex. It does not require physical contact or even presence. Men appear to be more easily stimulated than most women. However, it appears that in today’s society that distinction is changing.
If it leads toward…
If a kiss leads either party toward stimulation of a sexual nature, I would urge you to back away from that activity as singles. I did not say it was not fun. The world says that if it feels good, do it! There are many books and movies written about people who made a choice to follow pleasure in lieu of wisdom. I invite you to read the story of David, Samson, and even Solomon in the Bible and see what price they paid for pursuit of pleasure.
Cuddling
As for cuddling, this can be harmless but the physical contact involved presents vulnerability and it’s so easy to take the next step. A hand brushed across an area easily stimulated can quickly result in a bursting passion that commands to be fed. If you think this is an exaggeration, consider the fact that 1 in every 5 adults and teenagers in the US have a sexual disease or STD. This fact is supported on the Center for Disease Control web site. Someone has not used good sense to allow it to grow to this proportion. It is Christian and non-Christian alike that are in this group. I am not about laying a guilt trip but in openly sharing the truth to save unnecessary heartache and bodily harm.
Think about the power lying dormant
Am I recommending that singles do not touch each other in dating? No, I am not promoting this but do wish that more would think about the power lying dormant when one practices kissing and cuddling without thought. There is much to be said for holding hands and allowing other forms of physical interaction to wait.
My own experience and advice on the topic of kissing in a Christian dating relationship. What about physical contact?
I can speak from personal experience in the “pleasure” of waiting. For example, Pam and I decided to not kiss the first few months of our dating. I think that it served as an awesome part of our early bonding. We focused on the total person rather than a part of the anatomy or personal satisfaction. It was not easy but let me tell you that first kiss… was out of this world.
Slow and steady
My encouragement is to not be focused on kissing and cuddling but to be open and aware of the total person you are experiencing. Certainly building relationships is not a hit and run proposition. In short, Go for the slow, steady, deep pace and the pleasure and enjoyment will be so much more.
Pastor Jim
My boyfriend and I are saving our first kiss for our wedding day. We have been together for over 2 years and he is not ready to propose yet. I think waiting is totally worth it if you get married in a reasonable amount of time. At some point I think it becomes unhealthy. Perhaps I’m in the wrong for waiting for a man who doesn’t know what he wants…?? Either way, I am discouraged, and frustrated in more ways than one.
I don’t know why he hasn’t proposed since 2 yrs of your relationship. But I think Christian dating relationship should have a focus. We should know when we plan to get married if we say we are in a relationship. If not, we are just being friends and so can’t have any emotional attachments. It is good you guys haven’t engaged in acts of physical intimacy because you’ll feel even worse if at the end of waiting for him, it doesn’t work out. I think you should approach him and know his plan.
Tell Him how You feel, start a discussion about it and tell Him that You wanna know if things are going to something more than just bf/GF(as in marriage)
This article seems to be passively asserting a rather narrow viewpoint. You say there is nothing wrong with it inherently, but essentially the message of this post is to abstain from kissing and cuddling.
A few thoughts:
Sexual stimulation is not the same thing as sin. Lust is not synonymous with sexual desire. Our sexuality is not something that ought to be repressed, but ought to be celebrated. Physical intimacy in keeping with the level of commitment of a relationship. Of course, this leaves room for interpretation, so I don’t invalidate waiting until you are married to kiss somebody, but to even pretend that it makes you more moral or righteous than someone who did kiss someone is dangerously self-righteous. Being “aware of the total person” is not precluded by physical intimacy at a healthy level. In fact, the relationship where I had almost no physical touch with the person was emotionally unhealthy because all of our intimacy was experienced on an emotional or intellectual level. It seems to me to be just as dangerously Gnostic and Dualistic to privilege the mind and soul to the deprivation of the body as it is to privilege the mind and soul to the satisfaction of the flesh.
Additionally, it places undue pressure on those first acts of physical intimacy. Let me tell you, I waited until I was 21 before I kissed anybody and the sky sure didn’t open, the earth didn’t shake and there was no crowd of angels singing around me. It was kind of slimy, fairly odd, and I never expected teeth to be a factor. It simply places too much of an emphasis on marriage, leaving little room for singleness in the church to be fulfilling because singleness obviously precludes sexual intimacy.
Also, the threat of venereal diseases is not very nice. It’s a scare tactic, and I daresay most people don’t give a peck on the lips and find themselves naked in bed because of their uncontrolled passions. My sexual desire is not an uncontrollable monster I must keep chained up. It is something that is a part of who I am, but that is easily perverted, and I must be incredibly sensitive to that, without strangling a part of myself.
Such are my thoughts, feel free to respond.
In the love of Christ.
Dale
Very well said Dale! Thank you.
I am a saved Bible believer NOT a Christian who have many strange ideas … case in point, I was brought up like many “Christians” that sex even in marriage is only tolerated for procreation. This true of the brethren, Alliance and Baptist. I have found that most Christians do not follow the Bible … they just pay it ‘lip service’.
Well Stated Dale!
I think it’s absolutely a progression of acquaintance:
Friendship to … best friends (the foundation to build every potential relationship upon!): then sparks start to fly & it’s only human to AT LEAST hold hands, be arm-in-arm ~ including public places. In regards to “THE KISS” I think there’s lots of different types of kissing (Ex. Gentle soft pecks on the lips (perfectly acceptable publicly ), very romantic & passionate kissing ~ which should be saved (in good taste & judgment) for private moments together and physical intimacy.
Respecting each other (& pleasing God) to save the sacredness of sex for “The Marriage Bed!” Especially emphasizing the man protecting his potential wife’s celibacy, as in contrast God is looking for the church (we the Bride) to be without spot or winkle for the Bridegroom ~
The Lord Jesus Christ.
Seeking God’s blessings in the unity of enjoying the sacredness of sex.
To be concise, that about sums up MY THOUGHTS in a nutshell, including the “kissing” issue.
Sincerely,
“Stardust”
I met someone here a few weeks ago… only to find they do not want to commit. Not just to me but to anybody. But want their cake and eat it too. I am slowly backing out before I get hurt. At this point their are no feelings to be hurt…So best leave well enough alone.
Pls I need advice. Am about to enter this relationship of which I told the man that there will be no sex in the relationship.But he insists that kissing will be part of the relationship because he can’t do without it.Please should I enter this relationship or not.
Just flee
Yh do dat only if there is no sex but only kissing
Maybe I am too simplistic, but surely our kisses belong to our husband? And your prospective boyfriend is asking to take what doesn’t yet belong to him and may never be his…so.. it is a subtle form of covetousness.
There should be respect as a foundation of any relationship and this one is beginning to sound toxic before it even starts.
I can say its better to keep our self for our right spouse to jave it all marriage is not about us is about God and the only way to please God is to keep our body holy so I say its better our first kissing to be on the alter then after there my spouse will have it all meaning giving her a holy virgin body and kisses
I prefer waiting even if it is not easy yes I’m aware of that, but God gave us the will it’s in our hands to have self control. It’s a very wonderful thing to wait until the last day.
Pastor Jim’s piece has been very helpful simply by the addition of self-introspection being a factor. One must take into consideration what lies in the heart as they take on any act in a relationship. For the Bible calls us to love one another as Christ does. Therefore begging the question, what will a relationship without kissing mean to you? And why?.
What should I do if I’ve already kissed her
I’m in a situation that kissing feels important, please should I ignore that feeling or not
Please reply and have a blessed day
Waiting is the solution u will never regret it. When loving someone its hard to hold yo feelings for that person. So kissing touching is very dangerous. Becz there’s fire there. Careful.
Wait till the time comes
Me and this girl has been dating for a couple months now and she wants to wait until marriage to kiss on the lips. What should I do wait or talk to her
Run! ….