Pastor Jim provides advice for singles regarding how to conduct yourself when conversing with a potential match, whether writing via an online dating service, or when meeting in person.

Someone has contacted you or you have received a response from someone you met on a dating service. Or perhaps you are about to meet someone face-to-face that you met on-line. You are VERY excited and your heart is racing. So many things flood your mind and you begin to share.

What happens next is often a big mistake by many people. The temptation is to fill the space with all the personal things that come to mind. It is easy to talk about yourself and in fact, very challenging to control the temptation. However, it is to your advantage to NOT spew everything that comes to mind. It is even more important to not control the conversation.

The 80-20 Rule of Date Conversation

This is where the 80-20 rule comes into play. Sales people are taught that they should ‘speak’ about 20% of the time and ‘listen’ 80% of the time. I want to ask you to try something for yourself. The next time you meet someone, for the first time or an old friend, I want you to set out to let him or her do the talking. Ask open-ended questions and then go quiet and see what they say. The object of the exercise is to see if they come away from the conversation thinking it was one of the best conversations that they have ever had? It is amazing and I urge you to try it.

“I cannot think of anyone who enjoys someone else dominating the conversation.”

Let me be more specific as it relates to dating. There is a time to share about yourself and answer questions. However, I cannot think of anyone who enjoys someone else dominating the conversation. People who are self-centered will dominate the conversation or pull the focus on to them. An intelligent person will quickly discern that you are not really interested in complementing someone else’s needs but are out to satisfy your own needs. It is a big red flag.

Great listening skills is an essential ingredient to a successful relationship.

Dr. Jim

Canadian TV show ‘Full Circle‘ invited Sam Moorcroft, co-founder of ChristianCafe.com, to talk about online dating and relationships for Christian singles. Full Circle airs weekdays in Ontario on CTS, at 9am and noon. You can watch the Online Dating episode right now online.

The couch talk about online dating and whether the stigma still exists. Also discussed is why single Christians aren’t meeting in church (or elsewhere in their day-to-day life).

Sam explains how online dating works, for those who have yet to try it out. He also mentions the over 1500 testimonials that ChristianCafe.com has received. Then an actual testimonial couple is linked in via Skype to talk about them meeting on the site.

» Watch the episode.

So, you’re single and wondering about online dating. Or maybe you’re already trying it out and wanting to get more out of it. Possibly you’ve tried online dating before and are debating giving it another go.

Focus on the Family’s Boundless create informative and entertaining podcasts that deal with various topics relevant to Christian singles in their 20s and 30s. One of these, of course, is relationships – which includes online dating.

Last weeks podcast, ‘Behind the Scenes of Online Dating‘ featured a roundtable crew familiar with online dating from different perspectives. For some, they have dabbled in it on and off; for others it ‘worked’ (one dating, one married); one even co-founded a Christian dating service back in 1999 (that would be our very own Sam Moorcroft). While most provided stories and opinions from a relationship-seeker point of view, Sam provided insight and advice from a dating site operator vantage point. The discussion flows from one aspect of online dating and relationships to another.

Why did these folks try online dating? Reasons included living in a small town with few prospects; just moved to a new city and didn’t know a lot of people; never having a Christian date despite going to the ‘biggest church in town;’ all the girlfriends signed up together to check it out.

What expectations were there before trying online dating? Some expected to be dating right away! Turns out that’s not what materialized. It took time.

How does one stand out among the rest? A detailed profile was the consensus among the panel (“I like to read” versus “The last novel I read was ____ and I loved it because ___”). When reading profiles, those who put a lot of time and thought into their profile answers were considered serious about finding a match. Profiles lacking in detail were overlooked by the panelists.

Sam mentioned that, while being an unromantic way to look at it, finding a match is similar to a job interview and the job search as a whole. You need to differentiate yourself in your profile as you’re essentially competing against others on the site. Further with the job search analogy, singles have to take the initiative! Get out there and get online instead of waiting (just as you would if you were unemployed — sending out resumes and networking). Sam encouraged women to not be wallflowers and be fine with taking the initiative and starting conversations with men. The rejection rate is high, but such is the case with many things: sales, sports, etc…

When searching an online dating site do you limit yourself geographically? Sam suggests not to — trust God instead to guide you in your search.

The panel also talks briefly about ‘Red Flags‘ when using online dating sites.

Finally, if you’re not having too much luck with dating, do some self-examination. Are you dating the wrong kind of people? The roundtable discuss this further.

We recommend you give the podcast a listen – you won’t be disappointed!

ChristianCafe.com co-founder and CEO, Sam Moorcroft, recently was interviewed by Cyber-Dating Expert Julie Spira. They talk about online dating trends, tips for online dating, and how ChristianCafe.com came about. The interview is embedded below. Enjoy!