Dear Jim: What is the correlation between questions and good relationships?

Pam and I were married a little over two years ago. We have her 18-year-old son living with us. He is a wonderful young man with many qualities but we were having a challenge connecting in a relationship. I noticed that every time I would make a statement, no matter what the topic, he would challenge or correct it in some way. It was frustrating for both of us but I could not find a way to get past this.

I read a book by Tom Freese called "Secrets of Question-Based Selling". My mind kept racing to the application in relationships as I was reading the book. (I strongly encourage you to read this book as it has so many excellent applications to relationships.)

One of the points in this book is that when we make statements, it often creates the wrong inter-personal dynamics. However, if we ask questions, we change the dynamics by making the other person an expert or at least one whose response we respect. It is an unbelievable change in human behavior.

Instead of making statements at home, I begin to ask questions. The transition in our relationship was immediate and sustaining. I cannot recall the last time we have had a challenge. Whenever I am challenged, I stop and reflect upon the fact that I just made a "statement." Human behavior is very predictable in some ways.

This is not something to use in manipulation. It should be a style that is genuine and with truth.

Imagine being on a date and filling the time with statements. Now imagine being on a date and giving some thought to what type of questions you would like to ask. Which one do you think will generate more interest from the other person and show them that you are interested in them? Try this in any relationship that you have and see how the dynamics change.

Sometimes it is difficult for us to see how Biblical principles can be applied in our lives. One area is the Golden Rule in Matthew 7:12 "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets." I suggest that QBS (Question-Based Selling) techniques could be one great way of applying this into your life. I suggest that life will be much more fulfilling if you do.

Dr. Jim

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