Someone has contacted you or you have received a response from someone you met on a dating service. Or perhaps you are about to meet someone face-to-face that you met on-line. You are VERY excited and your heart is racing. So many things flood your mind and you begin to share.

What happens next is often a big mistake by many people. The temptation is to fill the space with all the personal things that come to mind. It is easy to talk about yourself and in fact, very challenging to control the temptation. However, it is to your advantage to NOT spew everything that comes to mind. It is even more important to not control the conversation.

This is where the 80-20 rule comes into play. Sales people are taught that they should "speak" about 20% of the time and "listen" 80% of the time. I want to ask you to try something for yourself. The next time you meet someone, for the first time or an old friend, I want you to set out to let him or her do the talking. Ask open-ended questions and then go quiet and see what they say. The object of the exercise is to see if they come away from the conversation thinking it was one of the best conversations that they have ever had? It is amazing and I urge you to try it.

Let me be more specific as it relates to dating. There is a time to share about yourself and answer questions. However, I cannot think of anyone who enjoys someone else dominating the conversation. People who are self-centered will dominate the conversation or pull the focus on to them. An intelligent person will quickly discern that you are not really interested in complementing someone else's needs but are out to satisfy your own needs. It is a big red flag.

Great listening skills are essential to a successful relationship.

Dr. Jim

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