Dating after divorce. What does the Bible tell us about divorce? Should you date after a divorce? Dr. Jim explains God’s desires for us and what should we do when we start thinking about dating after being through a divorce. Who is allowed and who isn’t allowed to get a divorce according to the Bible?
Dating After Divorce: If I did not cause the divorce, can I date and marry again without being sinful?
Divorce creates many victims. It has become a terrible black eye on our society as divorce sweeps across the land like a forest fire. Almost every day this time of year we turn on our television sets to find another forest fire raging out of control. While I suggest that the damage is even greater in a divorce, it is not as ‘apparent’ or visible to us without taking a second look.
To be able to provide an answer to this question, I would like to begin with the foundation that the Bible provides to us. Matthew 5 and 1Corinthians 7 are the main passages that relate to divorce. The Matthew verses share that there is no grounds for divorce other than if the other spouse is unfaithful in the marriage. If this does occur, the other spouse has the ‘option’ to initiate a divorce.
1Cor. 7 speaks to a believer being married to an unbeliever. If the unbeliever wants the marriage to continue, then the Bible says that the believer is to stay in that marriage. However, if the unbeliever chooses to leave the marriage, the believer is not under obligation to continue holding to the bonds of the marriage.
I believe that most of us accept the fact that death will also end the marriage vows.
It is important to understand that even though God provided these occurrences where divorce action can be taken, He prefers that the couple work through their challenge if at all humanly and divinely possible.
Dating after a divorce and what steps should be taken.
Now to the question. If one has been divorced under the above conditions, the Bible does not provide any direct word for what specific steps to take for dating after divorce. But the overall power of the Word of God combined with good, practical sense does suggest the following:
1. Before one should consider dating after divorce, they should allow plenty of time to grieve the loss of the marriage. The ‘forces’ at play after a divorce move toward getting on with life by finding someone else quickly who will be all that was missed in the previous marriage. This is a HUGE mistake. The divorce rate for remarriages is about 50% higher than for first marriage divorces (divorce after remarriage – 60-70%; divorce after first marriage – 43% according to last US Census). I encourage divorced individuals to take a couple of years to process and get as healthy as they can before they consider dating again. Yes, it is a long time but a short course to give you better assurance that you are making wise choices and not headed for even worse heartaches.
2. A great source of strength can be obtained during this phase if you will seek out one or two Christians of your own gender to develop a support/accountability group. You can help each other have a healthy perspective as well as hold each other accountable. A ‘buddy’ is one of life’s greatest treasures.
3. God’s Spirit should be sought for guidance as to when to begin dating after divorce. He does live within each of us and wants to be a vital part of this process. All your friends and family may be shouting that it is okay and ‘time heals hurts,’ but this is not good counsel. It is not TIME but what you do with it that will make the difference.
4. If available in your country, I encourage you to find a Christian counsellor, or a pastor trained in counselling. Ask them to guide you in your processing. Our emotions are like sponges and absorb everything as we go along in life. Often we do not recognize how much a previous rejection or disappointment is negatively impacting our judgement.
5. You also have a wonderful spiritual leader available to you in your pastor or church staff. Most have a lot of experience relating to this area of relationships and can be very helpful.
After you have done this homework and find yourself not being ‘forced’ to find a mate, start dating after divorce, you are ready to consider dating and remarriage. Walk slowly and use your support/accountability team to confirm wise choices. You can now walk into a new relationship with a sense of cleansing from the past and a power for the future. If the divorce met one of the conditions mentioned in the first part of this article, then you are not sinning to date and marry again.
“Divorce after remarriage – 60-70%;
Divorce after first marriage – 43% “
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Please read more about: Divorce and re-marriage.
Should you reconcile?
However, if you do not have one of these Biblical principles in your situation, then I understand 1Cor. 7:11 clearly reads that if you chose to leave for other than these Biblical principles, you are to remain single and not marry again. If you want marriage, be reconciled to your spouse. Yes, I know that there are many unfair things in relationships. This is not new to God.
If you do go ahead and date and marry again you have certainly not lost your salvation. However, you have chosen to walk outside the will of God, and there are consequences for this action apart from God’s will (called sin). Thank God He is always faithful when we make mistakes and forgives us. But the Bible is clear that you are not to go through life ‘imposing’ on the goodness and grace of God. He will forgive, but He does not remove the consequences.
“You are to remain single and not marry again. If you want marriage, be reconciled to your spouse”
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May God’s Spirit bless you with wisdom and discernment as He guides you to the understanding He wants you to have.
Dr. Jim
Author of “Guide to Successful Online Christian Dating”
Polly,
Thanks for posting this. While the topic gets a lot of coverage, it still seems as if so many Christians are asking questions on this very topic. I had a question to ask and a point to make. First, I wondered how you might handle physical abuse as a means for divorce. Second, when it comes to God’s rules for holy living and the topic of sticking with your marriage partner, you used the phrase “unfair” in reference to God’s mandate to stay with the first marriage partner. It might be said that God’s way is never unfair, only “seemingly” unfair. While this might be a minor point to some, an entire life spent believing that God’s rule aren’t fair might drive a person into apostasy, and I just don’t think that’s necessary. God’s ways are not our ways, but that doesn’t make them unfair, except in our own eyes from time to time. Thanks again, Polly!
First web site I have found that provides practical wisdom offering truth as the basis for long life of commitment and love.
Working through the divorce issues given for infidelity are clear cut with the hope that the marriage can be saved. The other issue that needs to be addressed is parents that may become psychologically ill and abuse issues rise within the home. The home must be protected at all costs and the well being of those individuals is necessary. While we see that divorce is a key issue within adulterous we must also emphasize the effects of an illness within the home environment.
😔😔😔😔💔💔💔💔💔 I hate divorce,for me marriage is a gift from God. I thought when I got married I would never experience physically abused, but this is what happened to me when my ex cheated on me, in my house, with maid. Coz I have problem in US embassy about my petition papers. Longtime story why this happens. My problem coz my ex, I’m scared to full fall in love again but I wished this sites can help me to complete move on thank you so much to post this.
My husband divorced me after a long infidelity on his side. We’ve been married for 13 years of miserable life. I ended up saying I must not look at him as a man of God rather as an ordinary man who cheats because he does not know the truth of God. End of 2015 he mistakenly send me his naked pictures of his woman and himself accidentally. Because the young woman was his niece I think he failed to stay with me knowing he has exposed himself like that, he filed for a divorce. Over it all I thank God for protecting me from depression and all the bad things caused by such. But I can’t lie, it is a difficult situation especially when you’ve been hurt and persevered hoping things would be better one day. Christians need to pray harder because God does not want divorce. He is God of unity and love.
It’s a topic I seek guidance on right now. I’m staring down the path to divorce, not by my own choosing though – my wife walked out and now hides behind a lawyer forcing separation. Since splitting I’ve done everything i could to try and reconcile but against our church helping with counseling sessions together she has made her choice. There was no violence and no infidelity on my side, it’s not clear if there was none on hers.
I’ve had to spend many sessions with a psychologist working through this but I’m stuck here about what I do and how I should feel about divorce. Can I even look at dating and marriage again?
Pretty similar to what happened to me after nearly 25 years. It’s been about 3.5 years. I haven’t dated yet, concentrated on finances, my two grown Sons, Praying A Lot. I got no answers or closure, she didn’t want counseling, only go to an out of state job that she was layed off from! The verse in Corinthians that says- You are no longer in Bondage to the Unbeliever if they leave- is very Applicable My Friend! What they don’t tell ya’ is that it takes awhile to get through the pain, sorrow, loss of shared dreams. I cried for a year! Healing happens slowly- it does happen! Pray for our Lord and Savior to heal your heart, mind and soul! Concentrate on The one who Sacrificed everything- Jesus- so that We can be saved! Don’t Give In to any Vengence in Thought, Word or Deed! It’s tough- I know we are all human man! Those times with those thoughts do other things and Pray! Pray for the Armour of God! (Google it , pretty amazing- Biblically and historically what the Warriors wore) Pray that God covers you and helps you to Battle- the Principalities- We All Struggle with! God be with you and Bless You and Praise be to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ! Hang in there- we are All living in some strange and amazing times!
Hi,
Thanks for this good resource on Divorce and dating after Divorce.
A friend of mine is planning to divorce based on deep spiritual issues with their spouse. He said he will not remarry but will have a girlfriend, like a companion with whom he can have sexual intimacy with etc. I feel this is not right as that will be sex outside marriage! What are your thoughts on this please?
Regards,
Tony.
I am currently separated from my wife and we have filed for divorce and it should be final in 60 days.. I am dating and I have no problem with it. My (soon to be ex) and I have not been sexually together for almost 20 years and we just agree that its time to move on as we’ve done all the counseling and I kids are now grown adults and we are happier and friendlier toward each other living apart. so the short answer is every case is case by case as what works for you may not pertain to me and vice versa.