What’s wrong with men? Dr. Jim explains how to avoid future hurtful feelings when meeting Christian men online. Beware of false expectations at the beginning of an online relationship. We should never let our guard down and keep safety as our first priority when connecting with other singles via a dating website.
What’s wrong with Christian men?
You might ask: What’s wrong with men? This question, or one similar to it, has been asked often in emails to me. Wow – does it open up a big subject. I have not received one from Christian men asking what is wrong with Christian women – but suspect I will soon.
After the question is posed, the writer usually proceeds to share something like this. They met someone and hit it off extremely well for a period of time. Then for some reason that they cannot understand, the man moved on to strike up a relationship with someone else. This caused great pain for the first woman and a lot of confusion. Allow me to write some thoughts that all should understand and consider:
- Remember that developing a relationship is a ‘process’. The rapport that develops in the initial stages of a ‘romance’ can certainly be exciting – but are just that – the initial stages.
- Too often expectations get way ahead of reality! Both parties usually contribute to this by speaking in endearing ways in the initial stages of the contacts that set up false expectations. It would serve all involved very well to NOT let your needs/desires get ahead of the actual process. Refrain from saying “I love you” or any other endearing words until you are well along in the relationship process (several months most likely). Dating over the Internet seems to expedite the endearing process before the parties even meet.
- No matter what your “man” is saying or how he says it, he is in the “hunt”. Often he does not mean to do anything that will cause you pain, but until he says “I do” – do not consider him yours. Being in the “hunt” does not allow a man to “use” a woman or her emotions!
- Enjoy making friendships and allow time to reveal all factors.
- If he (or she) moves on, understand the grieving process that you must go through. Do not begin a new relationship until you are THROUGH this grieving process and able to accept it.
- Guard your heart and do not think that just because you have met someone who “sounds” good, who may even “look” good, to cause you to drop your guard. Safety is the first priority for all. Always keep in mind the qualities that make a strong relationship and allow time to prove that this is the mate you and God want you to have.
“Developing a relationship is a ‘process’“
Our previous blog about the same subject: The relationship was going great, but then…
Again: What’s wrong with men?
I am sure that there are men on the Internet who have the sole motivation to use women for their own self-serving interests. There are others who do not mean to cause others pain, but do so out of the pain or impulsiveness in their own lives. Not easy words to hear/say, but if someone is not committed to building a relationship and moves on, it is really a blessing in disguise. It would not have been a healthy relationship and God likely knows that deeper pain would have been yours had the relationship continued.
God has plans for you! Read Jeremiah 29:11 and Philippians 4:4-9.
Dr. Jim
“Guard your heart“
Some suggested books for you to read:
Men Are Like Waffles – Women Are Like Spaghetti, by Bill Farrel
His Needs, Her Needs, by Willard Harley, Jr.
It’s really hard to keep a relationship in the “friendship” stage, especially if affection is taking place. For the man, “a kiss is just a kiss”, as in the old song, but for the woman a kiss means much more – it’s giving part of her heart away.
What does an online kiss look like?
This advice is so full of crapola (the article I mean). You say a kiss is much more. May I ask if you are currently in a relationship with a man? or single? I ask because it’s important for the next question I want to ask you.
it’s what led up to the kiss that make’s a difference . Because a kiss is just a kiss like a and shake is just a hand shake
I. Think. That. Scripture. Guard. Your. Heart. Putting. The. Lord. First. And. Praying. For. Discernment. .. I. Pray. The. Lord. Puts. A. GENUINELY Godly. Man. In. Your. Life. Stay. Content. With. Fellowship. Friends. The. Lord. Will. Send. A. Replacement. God bless.
What’s wrong with men? For me, I have to ask what is wrong with women? Dr.’s and leaders keep telling you to quart your hearts but what you need to do is take a risk and let us in. You have built up giant walls that are impossible to climb and I personally am discouraged because of that. Let your yes be yes and your no be no, if I guy asks you for coffee maybe don’t ignore him after that.. And if you aren’t all that interested then please don’t show interest because we also get hurt when you just suddenly stop communicating after we ask you for coffee.. Stop playing games Christian women.. I am in intentional man and we both know the end goal so you even showing interest is messing with my heart and setting me up to be hurt later if your just playing games.. Be intentional. Take a risk and remember Psalm 139. All of your days are written in a book and if you get hurt because a guy decided he isn’t interested, GET OVER IT and move on God didn’t have him in your plan..
The End
Discouraged guy.
You have spoken the truth.
Well said my brother….. for give and moved on.
Regarding Brandon’s Comment, Spot on.. It goes both ways. I recently was in a relationship and all of a sudden cut off communication.. Leaves so many questions up in the air. Bottom line as you said, It isn’t part of God’s plan..I like to think he did me a favor.. Onwards n upwards.
Amen Brandon, I agree.
Yes, I totally agree with your post and have had the same experiences time and time again. In fact, had to cancel a flight which is nonrefundable all because the woman decided to back out placing all of these hoops in my way when the day prior she was gung-ho. Let things play out before worry/anxiousness takes a hold of yourselves women.
And. Again. We. Say. Amen. ! My. Goodness. I. Just. Pray. You. Meet. The. Sweetest. Godly. Girl. The. Lord. Just. Bring. You. Together. Someone. Real. Im. Sorry. For. Your. Disappointment. Your. Discouragement. Believe. Me. When. The. Lord. Joins. You. With. The. Right. Girl. You. Will. Know. It. No. Denying. It. He. Is. Protecting. You. For. The. Right. Girl.
Brandon, I agree with you that no one-men or women should play games. If they do, that’s not acting Christ-like. You have to be Honest with your yourself, as well as others. If a Godly Christian man shows interest and invites me out for coffee or to his church, etc , and I am interested as well then I accept his invitation. However, with that being said, I realize that it takes time for any relationship including friendships to develop. And you must be friends first and foremost.
You have to be a friend to have a friend and God must be in the middle of everything. I LOVE God and he is my BEST friend before I find the Godly man he wants me to be with.,and then He is both of our BEST friends after God puts this man in my life.
TO DR. JIM, I WOULD LIKE TO HEAR MORE ABOUT THIS “WHAT’S WRONG WITH CHRISTIAN MEN? I WAS AT CHURCH ONE SUNDAY MORNING AND I HEARD A LITTLE GIRL ASK HER BROTHER, “WHY DO ALL THESE SONGS WE SING HAVE THE WORD “AMEN” AFTER THEM ALL?” WELL THE SPEAKER WHEN HE GOT UP TO SPEAK HAD SOMETHING TO COMMENT ABOUT THIS. HE SAID AT ANY CHURCH AT ALL, HAVE YOU EVERY SEEN A HER BOOK? THESE ARE ALWAYS HYMNS THAT WE SING, NOT HERS.
SO TELL ME DR JIM WHO IS BETTER, CHRISTIAN MEN OR CHRISTIAN WOMEN? AND HAVE YOU EVER HEARD THIS BEFORE? TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT WHAT I HAD JUST SAID.
The question on the topic is assuming “what’s wrong with Christian men” is a bit prejudice. I’m rather disappointed that you automatically assume there’s something wrong with Christian men. Due to this, now women will have this penetrated into their thought. So what happens from here? They meet somebody and automatically they spot something wrong and obsess over it.
I will tell you what’s wrong with Christian dating, not with a specific gender. Men want to meet women, but women do not make themselves available at church, church events, after church service. They are expecting God to hand pick and think there is “only one”, or the “the one”. Rick Warren actually shows that idea is flawed. There are many men that can be “the one”.
Men usually move on because they see how women react and sometimes it’s better not to express how they feel or see things because they read on how the women perceives thing. For example : they might not what to make her cry if they comment or express their feelings. A woman will want to hear what they have to say but that leads to arguments and emotional outbursts from women. Men can tolerate much, but too many restrictions, jealousy , and controlling attributes lead to a man moving on.
I would suggest you get with the times , it is 2018. This is a problem with the church that has never been addressed. Singles are not acknowledged and other singles don’t make them selves available, don’t pursue anyone or don’t have a social interaction with other male/female genders.
Yes I wonder why churches are almost against singles groups. The churches I’ve seen have groups for teens etc. etc. but no singles groups.
Would you please speak to what a man would look for in a singles group? I’ve found that men tend to attend singles events in low numbers.
Good answer Eddie. It is true, why is it “what is wrong with christian men?”, that is an unfair statement.
Hang on there buddy. Don’t you dare turn this into a battle of the sexes thing. We could just as easily make this a “what’s wrong with women” thread. As a man I’ve had the exact same thing happen to me, with a woman going for someone else after a promising start. I also resent the implication that every man is always on the hunt. That is simply not true. Don’t make today’s state of dating any worse than it is by making such inflammatory, one-size-fits-all statements.
Agree 100%. Dr. Jim has said these kinds of things before. Not a good man.
I would like to get what i need but we all know a good things come from god and i trust in god
Well it was good to hear some of these responses because what it showed me is that men are more serious Christian men are more serious about a true relationship then it appears to be on the surface that’s encouraging to me and I just believed that people were more open and honest with each other in a dating situation they would discover the good points as well as the flaws in each other and make decisions more easily on whether or not there right fit feelings add in a traction is one thing but a lasting relationship comes from respecting who and what the other person is then there’s a true devoted love that comes but you have to let your guard down and you have to let yourself show your weaknesses for that other person to be able to see that I just wish no one could lie about anything and then everything that was said we could judge on a true basis let’s all work on being our true self
Should the title of this “article” be: “What’s Wrong with Dr. Jim and His “Advice””?
I am sorry but your article does not build up those in Jesus Christ. It is planting division, and putting everyone’s attention on the sins of each other instead of putting our mind on the Love of God. It plants division by placing the sins of others upon one group and then blaming all those in the group, in this case men. It doesn’t promote forgiveness and opens the door to sin. It goes on to instilling fear and mistrust with statements such as, “No matter what your “man” is saying or how he says it, he is in the “hunt”.” This set a predisposition of mistrust and fear. It’s a blanket statement painting all men as animals with evil intent. It puts false blame and guilt on upon men only as though women are immune to the same sinful action. Remember, some of us on here are in Jesus Christ which makes your blanket statement an accusation against us! Jesus said if you do it to one of these you have done it to me also. Who is the accuser of the body of Christ? Is it not the devil?
Jesus was a man and the hateful philosophy of feminism that the world champions today show the hate they have toward God himself.
Amen!
Preach it Max!
Spot In!
Man haters aren’t feminists, they’re misandrists, and it annoys the hell outta me how people go on about blanket terms and then blanket a separate issue like this, generalizing and destroying what the entire purpose of a person or movement is about. Without feminism there would be no centers for victims of rape, just like without Christianity first introduced into Europe there would still be human sacrifices throughout the continent. But then arguments center around good and evils that these brought, and we Should discuss these to understand the heart and truth of any matter, just as the people in this thread have done regarding Dr. Jim. Reading through the comments encouraged me about how seriously many men and women take dating, but the things they’ve described about getting hurt, committed by either sex, discourages me. Seems to me that selfishness wins in the end, only because people don’t want to Be alone so much that they haven’t ensured they can stand Strong alone as a complete (and selfless) individual–as a result they meet other incomplete individuals and both sides become hurt. Perhaps, instead of saying what’s wrong with either party, focus on inner strength and weaknesses and personal boundaries first, and see if both of you respect that and Ensure, communicating through Their love language, that your heart is pure. One reason why women and men ‘guard hearts’ is because every time they Have opened up, they’ve been betrayed in the end, which is why first you must make sure your intentions are pure Before you look for a potential mate. Every lie and weakness will be revealed in the end, and if you don’t see the other person as an ordinary human cuz of some idealized image in your head that’s pure Selfishness, bad things Will eventually come.
I am probably gonna get blasted for this but I see it as a two fold issue:
1. It’s about numbers, especially in church, there are far more single women than men. That is just it, men have way more choices for decent women than women have of decent men.
2. Christian men seem to think they deserve a goddess instead of a good and decent woman. I have seen it multiple times, the men want younger, perkier, and way better looking than they are. Shouldn’t it be about the whole person? How are Christians any different than non Christians if it’s all about looks? What I also see happening is these men end up alone because no one is good enough. You need to look for a Godly woman and the one God wants for you not some image you have in your head.
Women have a “biological clock” once you pass a certain age your chances of getting pregnant are not great and the older women get the less they are satisfied, though in a little “me2” or spousal rape laws or no fault divorce or family courts 95% of the time taking away the child and everything he owns and forcing men to pay or go to jail while the woman lives in his house and spends his money with Chad & Tyrone, guys are checking out of any sort of a relationship especially marriage, Oh and I forgot to mention how society sees fathers as useless idiots(seen in movies and commercials in main stream media) day in and day out.
Thanks
So true
This is very true
This article brings up a lot of feelings for me. I could take offense to the “what’s wrong with men” theme but…! It’s not a gender thing , it’s a matter of ignorance on both sides, ignorance about God’s will in dating, relationships, etc! Also men & women in our culture have to think outside the box in order to find a date worth keeping. Marriages were arranged back in the day. Some cultures still practice arranged marriages, but now, we as single Christians must do our part to find a mate, this requires a lot of social skills we may lack because our parents/parent didn’t teach us anything about Godly relationships. Christian men & women both must work on their social skills, dump ALL preconceived ideas about relationships that don’t work or line up with God’s word, and also work on becoming the man or woman of God that they were meant to be. I’ve been hurt by women in church & so have many other men & women also. I call a truce to this war between single men & women, and ask us all to pray that the Lord will show each of us what we need to change/do, so we can get a date worth keeping!
In Jesus love & service, John
PS I agree that most churches leave the singles out in the cold. The married Christians have all sorts of classes, seminars, but singles do get ignored & marginalized by churches. Time to do some real prayer I think.
“Dr. Jim”, are you defending women to make yourself more attractive to women? Are you sure your name isn’t Dr. Whim? Relationships require effort from both sides, whether it’s work, family, marriage, church…
I have not found anything encouraging or helpful in Polly’s blog, and Dr. Jim sounds like a feminist.
I believe that for those of is who deem ourselves Christian Men and meeting Christian Women there has to be an instant transparency that keeps our interest and we know this is someone we want to pursue.
As for myself I am hoping to meet a lady who’s ready for a relationship that will include a lot of dialogue, common interest and a variety of things to do that we both can partake in.
I’m finding that in my walk with God that maturity doesn’t necessarily have an age although I would like to meet someone who’s near my age.
I see this as a two fold problem:
1. The numbers don’t match up. There are far more single women than men especially in church. Specifically in the Christian faith, admitting that you need a savior because you are broken isn’t something men adhere to very easily.
2. Christian men, even over secular men, tend to think they deserve a Goddess instead of a Godly woman. If your standards are so high, especially in the looks department how are you ever going to find the right person? I know many Christian men who base their opinions strictly on looks right down to the hair and eye color. Not only is that not Godly or God’s plan, how is it any different from non Christians?
I agree Tracee, but this problem you pointed out is common to both men & women. It’s a selfish perspective that makes relationships ALL about looks. This is not only found in Christian men, but I’ve seen it first hand in Christian women as well. If we look at relationships only from the “what can I get from this person”, perspective, we will have problems no matter who we are. Selfishness, pride, & false ideas about relationships, will always hinder healthy, fulfilling dating & marriage relationships. IMHO if we as Christians will dump all our unhealthy ideas that hinder real relationships, then & only then will we be able to open our hearts to one another and by God’s grace find a date worth keeping. PS you’re right about the numbers game, there are a lot more Christian women than men in most if not all churches. There are many reasons this is true. Please don’t assume that men can’t or don’t respond to God’s calling on their life or the Gospel, or that they are just not “spiritual”. Many men just can’t relate to churches that ignore men’s problems/issues & cater almost exclusively to women’s issues & problems. Men’s groups are getting harder to find, while women’s groups of every type imaginable abound. Men are taught by western culture not to complain, but to just bear their pain and be strong or you’re not a “real” man. Christian men have to fight culture, the church’s ignorance of men’s real issues, a general lack of compassion for men, and an almost cult like worship of women much like that found in Paul’s day. The only answer I can see is found in Jesus words & a return to a pure faith, untainted by the foolish ideologies so prevalent in the church & the world system.
Peace in Christ Jesus, John
There is nothing wrong with Christian men or men for that matter. The issue is that women in Western countries have been brainwashed by the liberal media and academia with their cultural marxist filth, which has turned most Western women into unbearable monsters. That’s why many Western men are looking to Eastern Europe and Russia for a wife. Why would a man want some mediocre-looking, feminist woman for a wife when he could have a very beautiful and feminine woman. Now of course, that’s a generalization, but for the most part that statement holds true. Anyone who has been to Eastern Europe or Russia knows what I am talking about.
Why is it that these sorts of conversations always have to end up focusing on gender?
This is not a MAN problem. This is a SIN problem. And there are plenty of women who have done the exact same thing to men.
I have grown so weary of articles and/or conversations that focus on race or gender when the truth is, the issues we humans face are based on EITHER of those. The issues are here because we all of us are sinners and we all of us have trust issues or commitment issues or past wounds that tempt us to push others away and ultimately hurt their feelings. It is absolutely insane that anyone would focus on one gender in this issue.
I laugh in the general direction of the article and anyone who embraces it. This is a human issue, not a man or woman issue. Period. End of story.
Amen Mike! 1000% agree with you! No more gender bashing please!
Peace in Jesus, John
I’m SO GLAD to have this subject addressed. I say “men lack energy” for a relationship. He didn’t get together with me again for weeks. I wasn’t heartbroken and kept living my life. We had lots of laughs, talked about many things. Texted too, but not often. No way was I going to chase him. Eventually he just “petered out”. I still see him at church and we say “Hi”, but he’s got no inclination to do anything. It’s not another woman! He’s the 2nd man I’ve met that lacks energy. In my early 60’s.
Dr. Jim’s next blog post should be titled “How to Stop Making Sexist Assumptions”
Jeremiah 29:11 does not apply to us here right now. It applies to the Babylonian exiles of that time.
Laws in western society are more and more what’s “scaring men” in general away from relationships with women,
1.Family courts awarding women alimony and child support and custody 95%of the time.
2.No fault divorce laws
3.#Metoo
4.”rape culture”, “devils triangle” “patriarchy” and other Feminist lines
just recently we had Judge Kavanagh get accused of misconduct and was “guilty before proven innocent” that’s a big gamble to take with your life to think that a woman can make accusations and they are automatically believed and you get executed in the court or opinion and get dragged through Facebook, Twitter, and other media before you had your day in a court of law, it’s Feminism’s war on the Family unit and “patriarchy”.
Gotta love Gynocentrism
Some of you people are really going off of the deep end. Are we not talking about Christian brothers and sisters? Wow!
Carnal minds… to say the least. Smh
My exacts thoughts. Some of these comments are way overboard. Definitely not Christian related.
“Too often expectations get way ahead of reality” so true. In the early stages people will claim to love each other while still strangers to each other. I think it has to do with fear the other person will leave them if things aren’t taken seriously (to the next step) as the other person will leave if they suspect their love or admiration for each other is bland in any way.
Agreed, along with one person moving faster than other instead of getting to know them and being friends first. I’ve had this happen and it’s kind of scary, because you barely know them and they are already professing their love. Then they get hurt due to having high expectations at the early stage.
For us Christians we are dating for a purpose, marriage. But that doesn’t mean that person your dating (not courting) is the one God sent. So I say take the time to get to know them and seek God for discernment and if it is his will that the person is for you or not.
“Too often ‘expectations’ get way ahead of reality” :verses: “No, she surprised me with something that would be detrimental to a future relationship.” The article paints Christian men like the bad guy and uses the words “too often expectations get way ahead of reality”; when in the real reality he made a good decision not to have the relationship go further. You speak as if the guy is a walking hormone with no brain. You paint the picture that a guy is a big child that can’t make wise decisions. You paint like a bad guy in the mind of the hypocritical woman who is the one who continues to date the guy while all the while she should be honest instead of hypocritically in love. It’s like a set up future fight.