Abusive relationship

Abusive Relationship
When you are caught up in an abusive relationship

Dear Jim: Is divorce an option to me if I come from an abusive relationship?

Life becomes very trying at times and some of us have had more than our share of difficulties. One of the most challenging is when one lives in an abusive relationship. I have found that what one calls ‘abusive’ is not necessarily the same as the definition of another.

Does God want us to live under in an abusive situation? I believe that the answer is no. However, it does not mean that He grants permission for a divorce. Allow me to share some thoughts.

The Bible only shares 2 circumstances that I have found for a divorce:

  • If a spouse has sex outside of their marriage, the other spouse MAY divorce. Matt 5:32
  • If the unbelieving spouse chooses to leave a marriage, the Christian spouse is not under obligation to stay in the marriage. 1 Cor 7:13

The Bible does not provide grounds for divorce for any other reason, including abuse.

However, it does not mean that the one who finds themselves in an abusive relationship is to live in it. There are some circumstances where it is best for a legal separation. This action should only be considered after much counselling and guidance of a Pastor.

There is a phenomenon when one reaches the point that they ‘want’ a divorce. It is that suddenly everything is magnified. Things that have been small irritations during a marriage suddenly take on huge proportions. The one who wants a divorce is striving to find justification for taking the action of divorce. This is a dangerous time and all too often a rush to divorce is made that is ungrounded.

Please read a previous post to find How does God relate to divorce?

What to do if you find yourself in an abusive relationship?

If you find yourself in what you consider to be an abusive relationship, it is VERY important that you seek professional counselling. If necessary for safety, the law enforcement should be brought into the picture for action. I would also seek the guidance and prayers of your Pastor and church leaders.

I receive emails stating that their spouse ‘used to be’ Christians but no longer are. This cannot be true according to Scripture. There can certainly be those who professed to be Christians who never were. However, I honestly believe that most are indeed Christians and have not been following Christ for some time in their lives. This certainly contributes to their getting off course in their marriage. However, once saved always saved. Ephesians 2:8 states that we are saved by grace through faith and not of ourselves. It is a gift of God, a gift in that we did not do it but only accepted it. God does the saving. If our actions cannot save us, then we cannot lose our salvation by our acts. We can lose our joy and the guidance of the Holy Spirit if we do not allow Christ to be the controller of our lives.

If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, please find a good Christian counsellor. I suggest that you are not able to be objective and make wise choices on your own. The counsellor will be a valuable partner in understanding what is going on and what steps can be taken. Your Pastor is a valuable friend and counsellor to help you keep a healthy perspective through your storm.

May God guide and protect you in this journey.

Warm regards,


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19 comments on “Abusive relationshipAdd yours →

  1. Your response leaves me believing that you have no understanding about what it means for someone who is trapped in an abusive relationship. Until you have had that experience, it is impossible to really understand how evil and damaging it is is to spouses and children. Unfortunately the same can be said about many pastors and Christians who are in an Elder position in the church. I find there is often little understanding or empathy from pastors and elders because of lack of understanding. I think more reading of the bible and especially the gospels and asking God for more discernment with an open heart. Jesus often broke the rules because it was the right thing to do.

    1. Jesus broke the commandments of the pharisees. Not Gods laws if you study this it will open your eyes.
      There are exceptions for divorce. In both new and old testament and theres grace and forgiveness for us too, if we did the wrong thing.
      Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, unbelief can apply to some one who claims to believe but doesn’t live by God’s rules. I believe both mental and physical abuse are also grounds for someone who doesn’t repent and change, and staying in a relationship like this can a have serious detrimental effects. Some judge without knowing the full story without grace and without love.
      Being unequally yoked can apply to many situation

  2. I also have to say that abuse continues because men of the church don’t speak out against it. You should stand up for those who are are weaker. The bible instructs you to do that but it doesnt happen enough. Abuse us not love. You should be ashamed for not taking a stronger stand against abuse.

    1. There are many kinds of abuse, both from men and women, from violence to mental abuse,
      All are guilty in some way from manipulation to arrogance and from using an unjust legal system to our own ends to gain what we don’t deserve or to darken someone’s name or character so we might look to be right in the eyes of others.
      I’ve seen love killed hope rejected and children without fathers, because mothers want to hurt the ex.
      It’s immature childish and selfish to destroy others to obtain what we want or feel what we are entitled too, but one thing is for sure, theres a God in heaven that sees us for what we are and who we have been.
      And the only way we will treat others right is by love.

  3. No body needs to be in abusive or violent marriage , regardless of what it says in the bible , the bible has not changed in 2700 years but people of today have .
    Please keep safe

  4. Well , I think as a Biblical counselor still in training this article has said nothing wrong at all but they have simply highlighted some few essentials on abusive R / ships.

    I also understand that we are all coming from different churches , but I do not think that a True Bible believing church would ignore people that are being abused. We can not blame the church , pastors or deacons because we are going through such situations. We have to seek help , and if it continues for our own safety we should just leave and involve the law enforcement if possible.

    I believe God is faithful and near to the faint hearted. We can never understand the pain one goes through when they are in an abused R/ ship , but we have Christ who is faithful in helping us to make the right decisions ( Matt.7 : 8 ) .

    CC we appreciate your post though you might not have covered the different forms of abuse and how exactly does abuse look like.

    Let us remember the fall in Genesis 3 has distorted everything . It is only the grace of God alone that can save us .Before marriage we should pray for Godly wisdom , cause some people confess to be Christians but yet they do not even have a R/ ship with God. Such situations will always end in tears. Especially online dating to mention , we should be extra careful too .Only God knows the hearts of people.

    “Keep me from deceitful ways; be gracious to me and teach me your law. I have chosen the way of faithfulness; I have set my heart on your laws” (Psalm 119:29–30). May the Lord bring healing , safety, recovery , peace & breakthrough to all that have suffered abuse or are still in in such relationships.

  5. The word abuse is pretty vague here. Abuse can be physical, mental, or perhaps some other. It can stem from an underlying mental health condition or from particular sin. I think the bible is pretty clear on what a marriage should look like. The picture of marriage is metaphorical and it’s beautiful. If it’s not working out I think the author is right in that you should seek counseling to try to get to the root cause. If you don’t get the answer you are looking for maybe consider getting a second opinion from two or maybe three other counselors. In the end, it may be a sin to divorce, but we all have sin. The issue remains that sin often has consequences that are often far-reaching and can lead to regrets later in life. As a church I think certain wiser members would like to save you from these. Nothing wrong with separation to try to work through some things. The question remains are you trying to work through them or are you trying to run from them. Running away from your problems usually doesn’t get you very far. I am not a licensed counselor or a pastor, but I often find myself in a position to help others and teach from some of my life experiences. Warm prayers.

  6. Jennifer,

    So perfectly true that without experience the entrapment and cycle of abuse is not understood by anyone. Additionally, as you stated without anyone taking a stand, and in fact promoting the philosophy stated in this article, the church becomes a breeding ground for such men as they can use this philosophy to guilt the person and manipulate. Even a legal separation gives that person power and control because you cannot be from of them.

    There are several Scripture that allow for divorce on the grounds of abuse. In the Old Testament, I believe in Deuteronomy, their is Scripture that states if a man marries a woman and then decides he no longer wants her, he is to let her go and allow her to be free. While one can argue that if the abuser wants to maintain the relationship one should stay in the marriage (which is disgusting 🤮 to even have to type such a statement), the fact is very rarely will an abusive person physically opt out of the marriage because abuse is not about anger-it’s about power and control. But the abuser will reject the wife in other ways. A man that will verbally degrade his wife over and over and make excuses for his violent behavior does not want to be with her, he just doesn’t want her to be away from him.

    There is also Scripture that states to have nothing to do with “a railer,” which in looking at the Greek is an abuser. This means not just the wife, but those who are surrounding him. The abuser is like a monster that grows-with each person that he continues to associate with and who hears his story of self-pity, he is being fed until he is enormously gigantic. He needs to be cut off from his supply. God’s hope is for restoration, and the goal would be for that person to get PROFESSIONAL help. If the perpetrator is not willing to do that, then no one should be having an ongoing relationship with them as they are enabling the perpetrators. How about when the church knows someone is in sin? Aren’t they supposed to bring it before a group of believers if the person is perpetual in their behavior?

    The church can’t preach that a victim should maintain an abusive marriage even in a separated matter yet neglect there own responsibilities. This just continues the cycle of the behavior of the abuser to fall on the victim and continues to keep the responsibility in the victim’s court. If the abuser continues his behavior and others continue to engage him and he’s allowed in the church, where is the victim to safely get her support? In the end, the abuser maintains his position among fellow believers and the victim has to start all over and left wondering, “Where is God in all of this?”

    1. I totally agree with you Lisa and Jared. We pray and hope God raises men & women in the Church that will faithfully teach and help people going through abuse and not to suppress them. It is a serious issue that should never be igonerd. Divorce is a sin , but what should be done if it is not rooted in the framework of what is expected of a Biblical Marriage ? We wisdom .

    2. While reading this articular my first thought is that the author do not understand what it mean to be in an abusive marriage because he has never experienced it. I just walk out of an abusive marriage of 18 yrs throughout all this time I made excuses for the mental, physical and emotional abuse. Even my relationship with God was being questioned. How can God who says His thoughts towards me are thoughts of good and not of evil how to prosper me and not to harm me and how to give me an expected end require me to stay in a marriage with someone who does not love me and used me, treat me like dirt. He promise to love me as Christ love the church but was lying. Marriage is a covenant between 2 people if one person breaks the covenant the other is still suppose to subjected to a broken covenant? Women all over the world are dying silently in marriages because wicked and unreasonable men are creeping their way into churches and turning good women into victims for life because the churches give them a blank cheque they continue to abuse their spouse because they know they cannot be divorce according to scripture they continue to torture and Maime then. The church is now a safe haven for abusive people. Churches should preach on how abusive behaviours in marriage counselling and during service. Abusing God’s cration is not a light matter when one is being abused by a spouse it can break you faith in God.

  7. Hello… I’ve read some of the comments on this issue, I had a friend that went through psycological abuse for a long time but nobody kwew, she was afraid of leaving him because she didn’t want to go back home to her parents. Many women hide this and people don’t know anything. In many countries still today, like South America or continents like Africa, women are still suffering these difficulties. What can be done in these cases?

  8. I know and heard a lot of people who fought for their family amid challenges not excluding physical and verbal abuse. Even if the process of praying,acting upon it and waiting for reconciliation as well as transformation didn’t take for a very short time to some, they did it anyway. I heard some took many years of praying and fasting for the husband or wife to get to know God and be transformed by Him. I believe it is part of commitment and promise during their wedding that through thick and thin, for poorer or richer, in sickness and in health, til death do they part. And that’s part of sacrifice, commitment and unconditional love. If you just love your husband or wife because they are loveable, how can you show your loyalty, commitment and love for them when they aren’t the partners you expect them to be? Especially if you know before marriage that he or she isn’t a Christian, what can you expect from a non Christian husband or wife? So we must need to be more understanding and check ourselves too. Don’t just put all the blame on the partner and file a divorce. There maybe instances that one needs to separate in cases of extreme abuse but divorce should not be an option just because the law of the land in some countries allows it. If we are willing to entrust everything to God and obey His Word, He will give us the strength to keep going and be used by Him to win the wife or husband who isn’t in the Lord.
    I hope and pray that people won’t easily give up on their partners and family during difficult times. If we confess that we are believers, we need to humble ourselves before the Lord, listen to His Word, to Godly counsels and what the Holy Spirit says. There are already so many broken homes around the world because of divorce and if people who are hurting continue to depend on it for comfort, for freedom, then what advise and what kind of family can we give to our children..

    I know many are in pain, many are hurting, many want divorce for whatever reason that they may think but I really hope and pray that you can endure some more, pray some more, wait some more and fight some more and celebrate more victory in the end with your family.

    Pray pray pray and wait upon the Lord to renew our strength.

    God bless everyone 🙏🙏🙏

  9. God clearly told me

    “Get Out”

    After 3 years of torture, terrorizing, wiping out the bank account repeatedly, bringing down every business I built up, physical assault (choking, pushing down stairs-lost 2 unborn children to violence,, ran off the highway, poisoned, chopped roof up on my house with pick axe, , starved, locked in home from outside, lied to others to cause harm to me—in short-from Chicago-Dad was “involved” back in the 40s-he had zero Christian friends -after repeated attempts to stab me one night (he had hid in courtyard shadows for 3 nights)
    -rebroken my legs 9 times hospitalized in last year 13 times, intentionally gave me Covid which I had 11 months and almost died from them put holes in my roof over my hallway to allow the worst winter swirling freezing air to pour into my house in every room /I had left but the house had no electric or water yet had been vacant
    15 years -I got deadly Pnumonia for 4 months after Covid then as we went into summer 3 heat strokes
    His godless friends always told him how to
    Eliminate me-run over me-pour lighter fluid all over me-the trauma snd shock that a human being could be capable of this snd much much more
    Begs the question:
    Was he himan? Or demonic entity?
    He had no conscious no remorse
    The delight and joy at harming beating not just a pregnant wife with your seed growing in her body but the family OETA good good dog helpless kitten found in pool of blood where vet said the dog had been sexually violated while I was working 20 hrs day (because he wouldn’t)
    Just a brief insight into hHe world we live in
    Recall the angels kicked out of heaven
    The giants that recreated with humans

    There are satans people
    Doing his work same as we do Gods

    Drug sellers

    Minds that are long gone obeying devil
    There is a vast spirit world

    Black magic
    Practicing witches in the church

    Who set out to partner with a Christian

    To destroy them

    Laughing maniacally behind the scenes as all of us
    Trying to share and teach our Lords love, patience, and hope no matter what comes against us

    Even if it’s the devil
    In human form
    Or his best workers

    My own experience with a human (look like a human), and In Gods image

    Tells me nothing good came from him

    As as some will gasp at my bold honesty

    It is 100% on point

    It was like expecting Satan to be a good husband
    I can’t use the

    I’m disrespecting my husband
    It’s my perception

    Being choked to ur Heath where you actually see heaven
    The brilliant light
    The humming of angels

    That’s not a Christian husband
    He killed his own babies inside of me twice
    Tried to kill me too many times to count threatened to kill my daughter who has lupus snd very sick
    Snd threatened to shoot my son in chest with a gun because he called to wish me merry Christmas

    Death to every living thing
    Every family member baby pet

    I read the comments above snd I am glad to see real life in your comments

    Abuse may have degrees of seperation

    But a Christian husband dies not do this evil

    At the expense of worrying about his reputation blackened by the community

    And assuming the wife is doing vengeful acts

    If she comes to pastor for help
    List because her marriage her life is being destroyed by Satan

    We blame the victim

    Ohhh no
    God says he is no respect or if persons

    Snd to be upstanding in your community

    He dies not say abuse THAT
    And make the wife hopeless & helpless
    After she finally desperately reached out

    And then the church be more concerned with his image?
    What people think?
    Cover for him?

    God says this

    If you are a people pleaser
    You are not pleasing HIM

    That old skool
    Cover up

    That’s not ejat god said at all

    And I love how everyone with different views snd input all agree on one thing

    No harm
    Or malicious intent
    Are acceptable to anyone much less the partner you have in life & love

    God says this is the best love experience of all of them that he created

    I’m old enough to remember not having a voice
    Shove it under the rug
    Sexual assault , brutal punches
    Pull up your bootstraps out a smile on your face and serve snd take care of the word


    God wants his children to live their best life
    Have the mate he created for them

    The above mentioned activities to kill snd destroy every living person snd every hood and right thing
    Is not of God

    We’re not where we are supposed to be

    Snd we are living (surviving) below sub existence fighting for life level

    No time for testimony

    No time for worship

    To even think

    Because you are so wrapped up in the turmoil of chaos
    Trying to protect your children
    Terrified depressed traumatized pets


    The Bible’s working your marriage our strategies are applicable to

    Equally yoked or arranged marriages yes

    It’s same today as yesterday and tomorrow but we may end up with a deceiving “Christian” who was only ever a Christian because they were locked up at 8 years old for trying to stab their own mother
    They know the Bible bevause they were forced in juvenile detention heavily sedated to attend weekly

    Then they grow up

    Then they use that biblical knowledge to deceive you

    They grew up Lutheran with grandparents
    Taking them to church -carry a bible to drive the point home—

    The devil is the deceiver

    He sent his best worker

    I tried 3 years/them from a distance 5 more

    If I speak Gods name

    He would come unhinged

    We sll know what this means

    I ran that road as a Christian

    I never got mad
    Never gave up

    God wants EVERY soul
    Thinking he saw slot of trauma an death in Chicago
    Wanted him to see Gods love

    He already knew
    Lived got the evil around him he created through threats, lies, terror

    He read online about military tactics how to wear u down through all night violent attacks

    Sleep deprivation under duress

    Every time I cooked s wonderful meal (every night) got him he would shove it down and then keep me from even one bite by starting fights

    I realized later every time I went for first bite
    He did this to keep me from food
    He did it to dog snd Kitten too

    Soooooo this isn’t the adorable word abusive

    These days it terrorizing
    Murder for life insurance snd even worse

    It’s devil all over the earth
    Not a mild hubby not talk to me deal

    HOW do you know BEFORE you marry

    The reality there is a spirit world

    And he comes to steal

    All of these adjectives describe my ex his bands actions exactly

    Soooooo should I spare his reputation And take one for the team?
    Pretend we have the perfect church with no real life problems?
    Defend him from church because he’s not the only one involved in other liaisons?

    God is real
    Life is real
    Death is real

    My church is real
    And they speak on these things in our life today so we can apply biblical principals

    To dealing with principalities of the dark

    I stayed and kept staying not giving up on him
    Knowing God can heal


    Only if the soul-less want to be

    & they don’t

    They love their work
    Delight in it
    God will also turn his back
    Will not hear their prayers after so long

    He will not allow them money because it goes to devils addictions


    Can’t give pearls to swine

    That also means a God fearing Christian woman

    There’s no deciding
    No waiting
    Abuse as some of you said is a broad spectrum umbrella with degrees of seperation

    A marriage should be tight partners
    Trust best friends

    Partner for life

    Not enemy every day

    Every situation is dogfeeent
    Every person

    A. marriage is not a marriage is not a marriage

    If we are lied to
    Ddvieved,manipulated hsve no family to talk to or a pastor that thinks any woman would try to sully his face in the church just because dhe’s bored

    That’s the reason no one teaches out

    Shot down
    Right in the middle of her worst life struggling just for survival

    Today’s abuse vs 40 years ago

    Bibles still the same
    We are not
    Snd more devils puppets out their killing in destruction

  10. I want to be very clear, I may appear to be very hard on the church below, but I’m really only hard on specific church leaders who did not take their shepherding duties seriously. Those who took the easy Road, the Bible is rarely does absolute as pastors like to make it. Thou shalt not kill, but a thief may be killed if caught breaking in at night. Thou shalt not kill is not black and white, neither is marriage and divorce.

    I sympathize with many of the women here, talking about being trapped in an abusive relationship and no one understanding. I live this for years, suffering because I should just man up. Eventually when I turn to the church for counseling they were dismissive, a second church was also dismissive, trying to get counseling on my own and encouraging my ex to attend got us nowhere. She had what she wanted and I didn’t matter. Emotional abuse escalated to regular threats of divorce, the church did nothing, she began to have separate bank accounts, and in the end couldn’t even help buy groceries. It became very apparent that she was setting up a divorce, and I witnessed my cage being built. Finally after one more threat of divorce, I decided to finally have it done on my timeline not hers.

    I struggled immensely with the topic and found the book Marriage and Separation by Campbell (a very difficult book to find written by a Pauline Dispensationalist, that exegites 1 Corinthians 7. His conclusion was that a marriage that unrepentantly pursues an unbiblical end, working against all teachings of the Bible, may be dissolved, and remarriage permitted. Another helpful work was Rushdoony’s Institutes of Biblical Law. Remember, Jesus came to establish the law not abolish it(Matthew 5:17). Matthew 19 is not Jesus only limiting it to sexual sin, but serious uncleanness as in Deuteronomy 24 in opposition to the “any cause” of the religious leaders. Deuteronomy 24 cannot be sexual sin (which was death). Fornication as Jesus uses is used elsewhere in the New Testament for other crimes against the family, see Hebrews 12:16 Essau’s despising the covenant family for example.

    Church leaders must rule their house well. (Shouldn’t all believers), I know of a Baptist church that supported their Pastor’s divorce due to open rebellion by his wife… I’ve seen neglected abandoned women live through multiple affairs only to finally leave the Church because “if she loved him enough he’d repent”

    Do believers have no recourse when the commands of any Bible verse e.g. 1 Cor 7:5, Eph 5:22 or 25, etc. ? Why doesn’t the Church try to right these wrongs before divorce by diligent inquiry? Why is it just knee jerk, “submit more/love more” instead of acknowledging and confronting sin early.

    A clear reading of Matthew 19. “All men are not able to receive it” is Jesus, critique of the Apostles knee jerk celibacy argument. The Apostle Paul by inspiration begins his discussion marriage in 1 Cor 7, with the difficulty of celibacy as an argument for Marriage, drawing directly from Matt 19.

    I finally concluded that divorce should only be sought in extreme cases, due to extreme hardness of heart, and only if a better outcome is not available. I fought her repeated threats of divorce for 5 years, including begging my church to realistically intervene (which they ignored). Our Marriage no longer glorified God, and made a mockery of the relationship between Christ and His Bride.

    Since my divorce, I’m able to worship more faithfully (in a new church) and train up my son more Biblically. Strangely, after divorce my son’s mother cooperates more now that there’s a legal divorce decree than she did with a legal marriage.

    I paid a heavy toll for staying as long as I did. The long slow death and eventual recognition of that by divorce hurt more than the death of 6 family members. Stay as long as you can, work as hard as you can, have no doubts, have no regrets, know that you tried as hard as you could. Don’t look for an easy out. Divorce will hurt you for life.

  11. Malachi 2:16 says the Lord hates divorce but he also hates violence. It’s spoken as divorce itself is violence but what if there is a physical abuser? I witnessed my step father beat my mother at a young age. (The kind of abuse where he would repeatedly crack her skull against the wall). It affected me greatly. We left when he came after me….with his blessings because he admitted he’d never be able to live with himself if he hurt me. I was 5.

    I repeated the story by marrying an abuser. I stayed 10 years because I couldn’t find a scripture to leave. He hit me in the stomach and even choked me 2nd and 3rd trimester w my last child. Finally he beat my 3 yro in a wheelchair. Children’s services gave me a choice to lose my kids and stay or leave and keep them. I had already left. I did not need a scripture then. I had to protect my child. I offered counseling but my husband refused saying he was the man of the house, I had to submit and the kids could live with his parents. Ummm no. I had 3 in diapers at the time. My youngest was 6 wks old.

    While I do agree the word “abuse” is used widely, sometimes it is dangerous. I regret I stayed long enough for him to hurt our child. I went to the associate pastor where we had gone for years, tithed, I even taught Sunday school. We surrounded ourselves w a group of 6 couples to help us. 3 of them advised against me getting counseling of any kind as the counselor might suggest divorce. 6 mos later it was Christmas. I still had 3 in diapers and only had food stamps and the generosity of living in an empty home a friend was selling. I asked my associate pastor for help w Christmas presents as my children were young. I was told my problems were my own because I left my husband. ( He had taken all the $ out of our checking and savings to force me back home so I had none).

    I divorced him 22m later as he still refused counseling and I needed child support to survive. Yes I was educated …with a Master’s even but I couldn’t afford 3 in childcare.
    Remember I also have a child in a wheelchair. I do not regret leaving, only not leaving sooner before he hurt our son. However it was my desire not to disappoint God that kept me.
    Unfortunately it took me YEARS to overcome my shame from divorce and abuse and some came from the church I was attending at the time.

    But 13yrs later God has been good…He provided and protected and built into the children and I. I never felt condemned or convicted for leaving or divorcing. We also found another church, one that even had a domestic violence support group. I don’t know how I would have survived without them.

    I do NOT think divorce should be taken lightly. But separation is not always a viable option either. Technically if married you are to still submit to your husband and I could not do that and keep my children safe. I tried for months separated. Eventually I had to look at the scriptures that talked about leading a child astray. I could not let my children believe abuse was okay. We could not continue to be victims when he had already broken the covenant with violence and refused to do anything differently. While I wish it could have been different I no longer hold guilt for his transactions.

    God did give me a scripture. Acts 12: 5-17. It is the one where angels freed Peter in prison. They woke him, told him to get his sandals and go.

    And yes he remarried so I am “technically” free as well.

  12. Spoken like someone who has never experienced abuse. I always tell such people, if this were happening to your daughter, tell her to stay. Watch her get beaten up everyday and tell her to stay. Then come on Sunday and preach in front of her about how God loves and cares and protects.

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