Sometimes single adults can become obsessed with finding a mate. And, in the process of finding Mr. or Mrs. Right, they can allow the illusion of what they think they need or want to take over their attitude and relationship with others. Here’s how mere delusions can become “reality” for desperate singles. Dr. Jim explains how observing the desert can help us to learn and to work towards improving our own lives, so that we can become healthy individuals before we search for our other half.
Illusion – Are you chasing a mirage? Part II
In the first article Are you chasing a mirage? Part I, I shared how I see the desert environment in parallel with the single adult life. Both hold great contrast with hidden beauties and joys awaiting discovery.
How can Christian singles relate to being in a desert? When can our alone times with ourselves be used to our own benefit, such as our own self growth? The most important one is when we can hear and know that God is near. Dr. Jim explains how our strength can be restored because of our battles. We can take the beauty of a desert and make it bloom with our own experiences and expectations realised!
Are you chasing a mirage? Part I
Hiking is one of my most favorite activities. This makes it great that I live in the state of Arizona. You will find me two or three times a week climbing up Sqaw Peak at full speed. It is a 1.2-mile trail but almost entirely steps up – up – up. I can make it to the summit in less than 30 minutes winter or summer. The temperatures vary from 38 degrees in the winter to 90+ at 6 AM in the summers.
Dr. Jim explains how words can drastically impact someone’s life and how our thinking can change our world view and block us from finding our desired love. Here’s how to prevent the external voices from influencing our inner voice and how to reject negative reinforcement.
Voices that block love – Part III
In part one: Voices that block love – Part I, I described how the words of others can negatively block us from the love and joy we desire in our lives. In part two: Voices that block love – Part II, I shared how the words we utter can drastically impact our lives. In this article I would like to share how the words we THINK (negative reinforcement) can block us from the love we are seeking.
While dealing with people around us, we should be aware of the impact of negative words on someone’s life. Criticism like that doesn’t help others grow. Dr. Jim shows why Christian singles shouldn’t bad-mouth a previous relationship/partner. It will likely turn off a future prospect.
Dear Jim: Voices that block love – Part II
In part one: Voices that block love – Part I, I described how the words of others can negatively block us from the love and joy we desire in our lives. In this article I would like to share how the words we express can block us from experiencing the best life has to offer.
I was new in town and visiting a singles group at a local church. It was a large group and there was lots of activity. I sat down toward the back of the room so that I could have a good view of the room – you know – the single thing to do. (This was back in my single days!) There was an attractive woman sitting in the row in front of me conversing with several other women. The words of criticism that came from her mouth quickly turned me off. I do not think that she had any clue that her words were serving to reject others.
What happens when we allow voices to hurt us and block the love in our lives? Some people who are part of our lives, such as family and friends, and even people we don’t know, can impact our lives negatively with hurtful words. Christian singles can find a way to heal by Dr. Jim explaining how to get over these painful experience.
Dear Jim: Voices that block love – Part I
The smell of coffee was permeating the air and the sound of voices was reaching into my senses as I slowly began to wake. It must have been early because it was not time to milk the cows, an every morning chore for me as a West Texas boy of 16.
My aunt had come to visit with us and my bed had been made available to her. My luxury for this night of sleep had been to make a ‘pallet’ on the living room floor. I recall that it was made of two blankets, folded in half to add cushioning. Clearly awake now, but my body was not ready to respond. I lay there and began listening to my Dad and Aunt as they chatted.
Commitment. How long should you date before making a commitment? When Christian singles feel that relationships and love become too complicated or move too slowly, what to do? Is waiting worth it for those who want to commit and know what they are looking for in a partner?
Dear Jim: Is it possible that we fail more and more because we are extending the steps and are making the process more and more complicated?
You pose an interesting scenario and I can understand where you are coming from. My response comes out of my personal experience as well as what I have observed in relating to several thousand single adults in recent years.
The perfect match is someone we desire even though we know it’s impossible to meet (as no one’s perfect). However single Christians still search for this “incredible” person to be part of their lives, after being hurt from previous relationships. Dr. Jim shows that instead of searching for the right one, singles should be working on becoming the right one.
Dear Jim: How do I stop desiring or looking for the perfect match who won’t hurt or cheat on me?
Wow – that is a big question! One way or another this question has been posed to me many times. What is being said in this question?
- I have been hurt and I do not want to feel that pain again
- As much as I do not want to be hurt, I want even stronger to find someone whom I can trust to build a healthy relationship
- I have big time defenses up now and I am afraid to let any of them down
- Fear is my primary motivation as I seek a new relationship
A breakup is never easy, even if the relationship was unhealthy. Many singles still have strong feelings about the other person, but have doubts about giving the relationship another try. Is this kind of relationship worth pursuing? See below for what Dr. Jim has to say about the breakup of a unhealthy relationship and the best way to go about it.
Breakup, but still want to return to the relationship.
Dear Jim: I recently had a breakup with my boyfriend (an unhealthy relationship). Now I have these strong feelings of rejection and wanting to return to the relationship. What can I do?
You have made the mutual choice to stop the relationship and step away. However, your emotions are screaming, ‘I want to vote!’ It is when we allow our ’emotions’ to lead us that we get into trouble. Those who take this approach to relationships find that they repeat bad cycles. They seem to end up with the same type of people in relationships and with the same bad results.
We can easily become jealous from time to time of people around us or even of strangers. What can this negative sentiment do to a person and how can it destroy your lives and aspirations? Dr. Jim explains how to deal with it and what to do when you feel jealous towards other people.
I am jealous and I would like to know how I should deal with jealousy.
Life is unfair at times. For one reason or the other we arrive at a point where we see others around us enjoying what we wish we had. The more we focus on this, the stronger this negative emotion develops within us. If it goes unchecked, it can destroy a person and block them from finding the very thing that they most desire.
What does being jealous mean?
Read about cohabitate / living together before marriage, and what it does to a couple who want a long term relationship. Check out the research results below showing that couples who cohabitate before marriage are worse off if they live together after marriage. What does God want from us?
Cohabitate, or living together before marriage.
Cohabitating is more popular than ever. The majority of all marriages are now preceded by cohabitation: 60-75% of first marriages and 80-85% of remarriages (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 2000). Is this a good trend? Are the objectives for doing so being met?
Dr. David Olson formed Life Innovation Inc. in 1980. The objective was to develop exercises allowing a couple to explore their strengths and growth areas. The result was an inventory that has been taken by over 1,000,000 couples. This organization recently released a report on cohabitation to their over 50,000 certified counsellors.
Here are some excerpts from this report: