My Spouse doesn’t love me in the way a spouse should. What can I do?
As a writer for Christian dating sites for single adults, I continue to receive e-mails from married people. It is not a good practice for married individuals to be surfing on a singles site, but I am encouraged that some would choose to write to me for advice.
One of the oldest lines that a dissatisfied spouse will use when they are unhappy in a marriage is ‘I love you, but not in way that a spouse should love another spouse.’ The words are like daggers into the heart of the other spouse and what the words signify are devastating to hear. It clearly means that there is a problem in the relationship, but it does not mean that the marriage is over.
IF YOU ARE THE SPOUSE HEARING THESE WORDS:
1. Do not stop loving your spouse. This is the time when you need to draw on God’s love to fuel your love for your spouse. God often loves us when we are unloving.
2. Seek help with a pastor trained in counselling or a Christian counsellor. Do this even if your spouse will not go.
3. Be prepared for unloving actions on the part of your spouse, but do not allow this to deter your loving response. While you do not need to condone the improper actions of your spouse, do continue to love the person and find ways to demonstrate this.
IF YOU ARE THE SPOUSE SAYING THESE WORDS:
1. The shortest course to the happiness you are seeking is WITHIN your marriage – not outside or with another person.
2. Seek help with someone trained in counselling.
3. I have found that there is a reason for the grass ‘appearing’ greener on the other side of the fence. It takes a LOT of manure to make the grass that green. Realize that turmoil within often makes other things appear better or more tempting than they actually are.
4. You should consider the fact that often our dissatisfaction is caused from not dealing with some internal reality that is forcing these feelings. The void within can create a selfish force that is destructive – to you and those who are close to you.
Focus On Your Marriage.
Movies and television have infiltrated our society to the level that we think the easiest solution to our problem is to move on with life. It appears that so many others are happy by taking action to change their lives and find someone new. The reality is that the divorce rate is higher for second marriages than for first ones. The ‘moving on’ syndrome is proving to not fulfill the expectations that the one divorcing thinks it will.
Divorce is not the solution to most marital problems. God does allow it for a few, but even in those cases He prefers that the couple resolve their differences and stay married.
Finally, if you are separated and/or your divorce is not final – I highly encourage you to not be surfing on any singles dating site. This activity is a method of escape and will cause more harm and frustration in the long run. I encourage you to focus on your marriage and face the difficult task of restoring it to good health.
Please read a previous blog post about: Dating Before Divorce Is Final
Relationships Don’t Just Happen.
At the age of 60 years old, I continue to be amazed at the resilience of our bodies and relationships. When we face the hard work to get our bodies or our relationships into ‘shape,’ the restoration is amazing. I am convinced that I am in better conditioning today than I have been in the past 30 years! It is not because I ‘think’ it so, but because I choose to get out three times a week and labor up a steep mountain trail, as well as eating better and other exercising. Relationships take the same amount of discipline and care. They don’t just happen. They must be fed, nurtured and given the time necessary to get stronger and healthier. Find some Christian books on relationships like “The Five Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman to help you understand how to bring your marriage back to life and better than ever.
Do not follow the crowd over the cliff – but choose to walk the narrow and challenging path to love, joy and peace.
Dr. Jim
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