I keep having sexual activity in dating.

I keep having sexual activity in dating, even when I intend not to do so. What can I do?

Email after email comes across my screen with one variation or another of the same scenario. It is how a Christian single adult felt strongly about not having sexual activity in their dating, but ended up having sex anyway. The emails continue with a consistent pattern to them. The story unfolds how the relationship began to turn for the worse after having sexual activity. The relationship often ends after only one such activity, or sometimes slowly grinds on with continuing damage to each party.

Sex represents more than an activity. It communicates to our spirits that we are valued, accepted, and we have found our ‘soul mate’. While the activity is certainly exciting, it is only temporal and does not bring the ‘truth’ and completeness that our spirits thought it would. These mixed signals (especially if repeated) to our spirits is damaging to the emotions and minds.

Common Factor.

There is another common factor in these situations. I cannot recall a single story where this happened that the single adult was operating with accountability. There is something about being single and dating that drives us inward and we do not want to share what is going on with others. I receive so many emails from women who have flown across the country or to another country to meet a man in person that they know nothing about but what was shared via emails or a few phone calls. They meet at a hotel, have an awesome evening and end up in bed together. Other Christian women invite a man home on the first date, and they have sex together.

These women (and men) write to me saying how they had no intention of having sex. The time just was so wonderful and conditions just right that they could not stop from having sex.

One-night stands have always brought the same results.

Why do they write to me? Because they are abandoned! One-night stands have been around a LONG time and have always brought the same results.

The Apostle Paul spoke about good intentions when he wrote Romans 7:15 ‘I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.’ It is a human quality to have this fight between what is right and what is wrong.

While I strongly recommend that you focus on developing your spiritual life through closer communion with God, and Bible study, I suggest that there is one more ingredient to living a successful Christian life. Accountability! We are not created to live life alone and we certainly need encouragement and support to walk the righteous and healthy path.

Accountability Group To Help You.

Find one or two strong Christians of your own gender and ask them to join you in an accountability group. You should approach this by finding common things you enjoy doing together, while building trust and confidence in each other. The goal is to get to know and trust one another to the point that each of you knows the other’s temptations. Now you are ready to hold each other accountable as you venture into dating and other areas of your life.

Sex is an awesome and wonderful vehicle that God designed to intertwine the spirits of husband and wife. When it is used to ‘bond’ someone outside of marriage, it a highly destructive force. Our Creator told us this in 1Cor.6: 18 ‘Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.’ Having sex outside of marriage is like leaving a little part of your spirit along life’s road. It is like taking a precious jewel and throwing it into the pigpen.

Purposing to not have sex is a good start, but following up with discipline and accountability is the rest of the formula. I challenge you to walk a healthy and honoring lifestyle.

Dr. Jim