Fornicating: How do I stop intercourse outside of marriage?

fornicating

There are many traps that cause us to detour from a healthy emotional and physical lifestyle, but perhaps fornication is the one that most often trips Christian singles. What does the Bible have to say about fornicating?

Fornicating

In 1Corinthians 6:18 the Bibles shares with us ‘Flee fornication. Every sin which a man may practice is without the body, but he that commits fornication sins against his own body.’ The Creator of our bodies provides a word in His instruction manual that having intercourse (fornicating) outside of marriage is actually harming his/her own body.

Allow me to share WHY I believe that God says this. It is akin to serving a false god. When we practice sex outside of marriage, we are sending a signal to the deepest part of our soul that this is the one God created for us to bond. If marriage has not taken place, this premise is NOT true and we are lying to our inner being. What happens after we tell ourselves repeated lies, we begin to believe our own lies – well, our mind does. However, I suggest that our emotions know the difference and was not BUILT by God to bond with more than one person.

One of the consequences of this action is the inner feeling of doubt and guilt. I believe that when you ‘feel’ these at work you can know you are in Satan’s neighbourhood. They are definitely his calling cards. For the believer, there is another voice heard – that of the Holy Spirit. His voice is not one of condemnation, but conviction. The promptings of conviction are not for our destruction and continued entrapment, but calling us to a better way where victory and freedom can be truly realized.

Okay, so now you agree that you should not be fornicating – but you just cannot find the way to stop. You join so many of us who as singles had to fight this behavior. Let me share what I have learned to stop this undesired behavior

STEPS FOR THE COUPLE:

1. I believe that the first step is to establish accountability. Yes, that is a strong word and an action that our pride does not want to hear. However, I do not believe that ANYONE can stop this behavior without it.

2. Who should you be accountable to? I think that first of all the two of you should pray, asking God to guide you to the ones who would best serve the two of you. Both of you should agree on this course of action and be committed to doing it. You may be led to a Pastor, or an older Christian couple. You may find that having each of you be accountable to your own accountability partner works for you. Whatever the course of action, do it!

3. After establishing accountability, then discuss where and when the two of you are most vulnerable to this temptation. Often it is being alone and in some way ‘pretending’ to be a married couple by the separation from others in one or the other’s private home. It will go against the grain so to speak, but you should not be alone under these circumstances. Create or attend events where you can be with friends you both enjoy doing things that are positive.

4. Do NOT spend times alone in intimate prayer and Bible study!!! What??? Yes, that is what I said. Intimate Bible Study and prayer times should be left until you are at least engaged and more likely, when you are married. This intimate prayer time, etc. also sends a signal into your emotions that you are married – when you are not. Time and time again couples ‘purpose’ to stop this behavior only to find that the urge is the strongest after they spend intimate time together in Bible study and prayer. I am not saying do not pray, just do not do the deep, intimate prayer time alone.

5. Start focusing on your relationship rather than your sex. Are you really compatible? Find books to read and seminars to attend that will help you build a deeper and more rewarding relationship. I highly recommend the books written by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott. You can find them on our ministry’s web site or on theirs at www.realrelationships.com. Do you know what the cornerstones of a great relationship are? Do you have them? How can you build them? The success of your relationship does not depend on the bedroom – but on much more essential elements. Find out what they are.

6. Watch God grow a deeper love between the two of you, OR reveal that this is not the relationship that is best for each of you. Either answer is the one you really need to hear.

Pam and I married one year ago after I had been single for over 7 years (after a 25 year marriage). I know how much power the sexual drive had with me during my single days. Now that I am married, it is a wonderful part of the relationship – but guess how much of my time is actually occupied by this? In marriage, there are so many more elements that contribute to a healthy and happy relationship. Every time you choose to detour into sex before marriage you are ignoring the opportunity to really bond at a much deeper and more complete level.

Is it difficult to avoid fornicating? YES!! It is possible? YES!! His Spirit is inviting you and will be with you as you gain victory in this area of your relationship. Do not settle for ‘false gods’ when the REAL God wants you to experience REAL love.

In His love,

Dr. Jim





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4 comments on “Fornicating: How do I stop intercourse outside of marriage?Add yours →

  1. Great article!

    You touched on points that I need to be aware of as I pray for my future husband. I am encouraged!

    Thank you for sharing.

    Blessings,

    Janetta

  2. Yes indeed all good advice! Unfortunately western Christians think it’s ok to be alone and to kiss even before marriage and this is absolutely sinful behaviour. Why because it’s tempting and we are told to flee temptation. The other reason is that it’s univocalky un biblically unwarranted to be physical before the wedding ceremony.

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