A breakup is never easy, even if the relationship was unhealthy. Many singles still have strong feelings about the other person, but have doubts about giving the relationship another try. Is this kind of relationship worth pursuing? See below for what Dr. Jim has to say about the breakup of a unhealthy relationship and the best way to go about it.
Breakup, but still want to return to the relationship.
Dear Jim: I recently had a breakup with my boyfriend (an unhealthy relationship). Now I have these strong feelings of rejection and wanting to return to the relationship. What can I do?
You have made the mutual choice to stop the relationship and step away. However, your emotions are screaming, ‘I want to vote!’ It is when we allow our ’emotions’ to lead us that we get into trouble. Those who take this approach to relationships find that they repeat bad cycles. They seem to end up with the same type of people in relationships and with the same bad results.
Read about cohabitate / living together before marriage, and what it does to a couple who want a long term relationship. Check out the research results below showing that couples who cohabitate before marriage are worse off if they live together after marriage. What does God want from us?
Cohabitate, or living together before marriage.
Cohabitating is more popular than ever. The majority of all marriages are now preceded by cohabitation: 60-75% of first marriages and 80-85% of remarriages (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 2000). Is this a good trend? Are the objectives for doing so being met?
Dr. David Olson formed Life Innovation Inc. in 1980. The objective was to develop exercises allowing a couple to explore their strengths and growth areas. The result was an inventory that has been taken by over 1,000,000 couples. This organization recently released a report on cohabitation to their over 50,000 certified counsellors.
When Christian singles play dating games (“head games”) with a potential mate, the harmful results can destroy potential relationships. Dr. Jim gives suggestions on how to avoid the trap of dating game players.
Dear Jim: I’m receiving a lot of emails from those who are playing games. What do you suggest?
Games are something that comes along with dating. It should NOT happen, but it is very common. Some of the ‘games’ are not intentional, but too many are.
What do I suggest?
First, it is important that you not be using the Internet for dating without an accountability group. I suggest that you find 1 or more Christians of your own gender to form a support/accountability group. They can be very helpful in keeping perspective as you go through this experience.
Nothing can make you feel better and you feel stuck in a bad situation. How you should deal with grief and how to recognize the stages of grief. Making sure you are ready to move on after a bad relationship or experience.
Dear Jim: How do I know that I am ready to move on with life and make healthier choices (or why do I feel stuck)?
There is a process ( Stages of grief ) that we ALL must go through as we move from one point in life to another. It has to occur every time we experience a change/loss in our life. It does not matter whether it is losing our favorite toy, our job or a relationship. After my divorce, I had no idea what I was “going through” – just that I was loss in some sort of process. It was not until I learned the Stages of grief or the Steps in Loss (Grieving) that I was able to see/feel what was happening. The following chart helped me to find where I was in my process and gave me hope that I could move through it. Let me show the chart and then give a brief explanation as I understand the steps:
Our story continues with the second part of how to deal with being infected with STDs, or how to help someone you love who is infected with STDs. What should you do and how to find help? Here’s some good advice from a person who is going through a similar situation. This blog post shows where to find God in our hour of suffering. Christian Singles can learn from this story and how to deal with such a tragedy and prevent themselves from falling into the same trap as this Christian single woman.
The story shared in STD – Sexually Transmitted Diseases and Singles (Part I) is from a very brave woman who made ONE mistake that now impacts her life. First, I want to thank her publicly for caring enough about others that she allowed me to share her story. It is one way that God is using her ‘mistake’ to bring significant benefit to the lives of so many other Christian Singles. It is our prayer that God will use these articles to “educate” and empower others to the truth.
How does one go on with life when this or another tragedy has so greatly impacted them? As so often the case, this tragedy was mostly caused through the selfish act of another. You can most certainly say that there are these times when life is NOT fair.
In a secular world where sex is seen as common and banal, Christian singles should know the risks, possible hurts, deceptions, lies, and consequences of what can happen to singles who have sex outside of marriage and may get infected with a Sexual Transmitted Disease. Below is a real story from a Christian single after she found out that her fiancé gave her an STD.
What every single REALLY needs to know about STD’s
An email was recently received from a woman. Her candor, pain and advice were so compelling that I felt God directing me to share this with you. I have received her permission to share this without revealing her identity.
I was not aware of some of the facts that she stated and asked her to provide a source of confirmation. Boy did she! I will provide this reference at the end of the article for your benefit, too. The facts are undeniable!
Please ask God to use the truth in this personal story in your own life as well as the lives of other singles. John 8:32 ‘And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free!’
When looking for love online, Christian singles can become desperate to find their match, which can become obvious to prospective partners to keep away from them. What is the correct approach for singles to be successful in their search for a life partner? Dr. Jim gives some insight on how to go about looking for love on a dating website.
Do women/men see you as desperate when looking for love?
The following words were received from a single adult:
‘I’m surprised at how many men can be so desperate to find a woman (I can’t speak of women’s desperation because I’m not being chased by women). Most seem to be hoping to find a woman to fill a void within themselves that only Christ can fill…the lover of our souls.’
Should Christians look for a new relationship before a divorce is final? Should a single person go ahead with a relationship with a person whose divorce hasn’t been finalized yet? Dr. Jim gives advice about the consequences and what is the best approach for situations like this.
Is it okay to begin a new relationship before the divorce is final?
The scenario is usually presented to me something like the following. The individual has been diligently searching for someone where there are strong compatibilities and attractions. One is found in their search and they enjoy a great initial experience. The other person then shares that they are going through a divorce and the papers are not yet final. Often what follows is a story of why it is taking so long or the many trials and difficulties that divorcing the other person is creating. These facts are not lies, although there may be some embellishment out of their own perspective and needs.
Christian singles who are looking for a spouse sometimes come to the question of whether it is ok to date a non-believer. Or, what the reaction of their family would be if they brought home someone who wasn’t Christian. Are these kind of relationships worth pursuing? What does the Bible says about being unequally yoked?
When Christian singles decide to make changes in their lives, where they should expect the changes to come from, what should be their focus and where should they be searching for satisfaction? Dating advice for those looking to improve themselves to be able to be the best for their future spouse.