Christian Singles Advice Archives — Page 7 of 19

Commitment. How long should you wait?

Commitment

Commitment. How long should you date before making a commitment? When Christian singles feel that relationships and love become too complicated or move too slowly, what to do? Is waiting worth it for those who want to commit and know what they are looking for in a partner?

Dear Jim: Is it possible that we fail more and more because we are extending the steps and are making the process more and more complicated?

You pose an interesting scenario and I can understand where you are coming from. My response comes out of my personal experience as well as what I have observed in relating to several thousand single adults in recent years.

The perfect match – Should you look for one?

The Perfect Match

The perfect match is someone we desire even though we know it’s impossible to meet (as no one’s perfect). However single Christians still search for this “incredible” person to be part of their lives, after being hurt from previous relationships. Dr. Jim shows that instead of searching for the right one, singles should be working on becoming the right one.

Dear Jim: How do I stop desiring or looking for the perfect match who won’t hurt or cheat on me?

Wow – that is a big question! One way or another this question has been posed to me many times. What is being said in this question?

I have been hurt and I do not want to feel that pain again
As much as I do not want to be hurt, I want even stronger to find someone whom I can trust to build a healthy relationship
I have big time defenses up now and I am afraid to let any of them down
Fear is my primary motivation as I seek a new relationship

Breakup. How to get over it?

Breakup

A breakup is never easy, even if the relationship was unhealthy. Many singles still have strong feelings about the other person, but have doubts about giving the relationship another try. Is this kind of relationship worth pursuing? See below for what Dr. Jim has to say about the breakup of a unhealthy relationship and the best way to go about it.

Breakup, but still want to return to the relationship.

Dear Jim: I recently had a breakup with my boyfriend (an unhealthy relationship). Now I have these strong feelings of rejection and wanting to return to the relationship. What can I do?

You have made the mutual choice to stop the relationship and step away. However, your emotions are screaming, ‘I want to vote!’ It is when we allow our ’emotions’ to lead us that we get into trouble. Those who take this approach to relationships find that they repeat bad cycles. They seem to end up with the same type of people in relationships and with the same bad results.

Are you jealous? How to combat it.

Jealous are you?

We can easily become jealous from time to time of people around us or even of strangers. What can this negative sentiment do to a person and how can it destroy your lives and aspirations? Dr. Jim explains how to deal with it and what to do when you feel jealous towards other people.

I am jealous and I would like to know how I should deal with jealousy.

Life is unfair at times. For one reason or the other we arrive at a point where we see others around us enjoying what we wish we had. The more we focus on this, the stronger this negative emotion develops within us. If it goes unchecked, it can destroy a person and block them from finding the very thing that they most desire.

What does being jealous mean?

Cohabitate – What is wrong with living together.

cohabitate

Read about cohabitate / living together before marriage, and what it does to a couple who want a long term relationship. Check out the research results below showing that couples who cohabitate before marriage are worse off if they live together after marriage. What does God want from us?

Cohabitate, or living together before marriage.

Cohabitating is more popular than ever. The majority of all marriages are now preceded by cohabitation: 60-75% of first marriages and 80-85% of remarriages (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 2000). Is this a good trend? Are the objectives for doing so being met?

Dr. David Olson formed Life Innovation Inc. in 1980. The objective was to develop exercises allowing a couple to explore their strengths and growth areas. The result was an inventory that has been taken by over 1,000,000 couples. This organization recently released a report on cohabitation to their over 50,000 certified counsellors.

Here are some excerpts from this report:

Dating Games – dangerous attitudes at play.

Dating Games

When Christian singles play dating games (“head games”) with a potential mate, the harmful results can destroy potential relationships. Dr. Jim gives suggestions on how to avoid the trap of dating game players.

Dear Jim: I’m receiving a lot of emails from those who are playing games. What do you suggest?

Games are something that comes along with dating. It should NOT happen, but it is very common. Some of the ‘games’ are not intentional, but too many are.

What do I suggest?

First, it is important that you not be using the Internet for dating without an accountability group. I suggest that you find 1 or more Christians of your own gender to form a support/accountability group. They can be very helpful in keeping perspective as you go through this experience.

Stages of grief. Moving on after a bad relationship.

stages of grief

Nothing can make you feel better and you feel stuck in a bad situation. How you should deal with grief and how to recognize the stages of grief. Making sure you are ready to move on after a bad relationship or experience.

Dear Jim: How do I know that I am ready to move on with life and make healthier choices (or why do I feel stuck)?

There is a process ( Stages of grief ) that we ALL must go through as we move from one point in life to another. It has to occur every time we experience a change/loss in our life. It does not matter whether it is losing our favorite toy, our job or a relationship. After my divorce, I had no idea what I was “going through” – just that I was loss in some sort of process. It was not until I learned the Stages of grief or the Steps in Loss (Grieving) that I was able to see/feel what was happening. The following chart helped me to find where I was in my process and gave me hope that I could move through it. Let me show the chart and then give a brief explanation as I understand the steps:

STDs (Sexual Transmitted Diseases) (Part II)

STDs - Sexual Transmitted Diseases Part II

Our story continues with the second part of how to deal with being infected with STDs, or how to help someone you love who is infected with STDs. What should you do and how to find help? Here’s some good advice from a person who is going through a similar situation. This blog post shows where to find God in our hour of suffering. Christian Singles can learn from this story and how to deal with such a tragedy and prevent themselves from falling into the same trap as this Christian single woman.

The story shared in STD – Sexually Transmitted Diseases and Singles (Part I) is from a very brave woman who made ONE mistake that now impacts her life. First, I want to thank her publicly for caring enough about others that she allowed me to share her story. It is one way that God is using her ‘mistake’ to bring significant benefit to the lives of so many other Christian Singles. It is our prayer that God will use these articles to “educate” and empower others to the truth.

How does one go on with life when this or another tragedy has so greatly impacted them? As so often the case, this tragedy was mostly caused through the selfish act of another. You can most certainly say that there are these times when life is NOT fair.

STD – Sexually Transmitted Diseases and Singles (Part I)

STD singles epidemic

In a secular world where sex is seen as common and banal, Christian singles should know the risks, possible hurts, deceptions, lies, and consequences of what can happen to singles who have sex outside of marriage and may get infected with a Sexual Transmitted Disease. Below is a real story from a Christian single after she found out that her fiancé gave her an STD.

What every single REALLY needs to know about STD’s

An email was recently received from a woman. Her candor, pain and advice were so compelling that I felt God directing me to share this with you. I have received her permission to share this without revealing her identity.

I was not aware of some of the facts that she stated and asked her to provide a source of confirmation. Boy did she! I will provide this reference at the end of the article for your benefit, too. The facts are undeniable!

Please ask God to use the truth in this personal story in your own life as well as the lives of other singles. John 8:32 ‘And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free!’

Do people see you as desperate when looking for love online?

Looking for love

When looking for love online, Christian singles can become desperate to find their match, which can become obvious to prospective partners to keep away from them. What is the correct approach for singles to be successful in their search for a life partner? Dr. Jim gives some insight on how to go about looking for love on a dating website.

Do women/men see you as desperate when looking for love?

The following words were received from a single adult:

‘I’m surprised at how many men can be so desperate to find a woman (I can’t speak of women’s desperation because I’m not being chased by women). Most seem to be hoping to find a woman to fill a void within themselves that only Christ can fill…the lover of our souls.’