The perfect match is someone we desire even though we know it’s impossible to meet (as no one’s perfect). However single Christians still search for this “incredible” person to be part of their lives, after being hurt from previous relationships. Dr. Jim shows that instead of searching for the right one, singles should be working on becoming the right one.
Dear Jim: How do I stop desiring or looking for the perfect match who won’t hurt or cheat on me?
Wow – that is a big question! One way or another this question has been posed to me many times. What is being said in this question?
- I have been hurt and I do not want to feel that pain again
- As much as I do not want to be hurt, I want even stronger to find someone whom I can trust to build a healthy relationship
- I have big time defenses up now and I am afraid to let any of them down
- Fear is my primary motivation as I seek a new relationship
God must sit in Heaven shaking His head a lot! There is so much pain and rejection while we live on this earth. The good news is that the time on this earth for the Christian is only the gestation period for our eternal home. However, as good news as that is, we still must live life with our humanness – and that is often challenging.
I recall many years ago (emphasis on ‘many’) when I was taking driver’s education. Yes, they had it right after the horse and buggy days! :) We were taught to not focus on the cars coming our direction. The reasoning was that if we were to focus on the oncoming car – we would likely collide.
“What could I do to become all the person that God and I want me to be?”
What we see is what we seek
I suggest that this truism can be applied to how we go about seeking “the perfect match”. We usually get what we focus on! While this is not true 100% of the time, it is so overwhelmingly true that it bears our consideration.
- If we focus on the negative in others, that will soon be all that we observe
- If we focus on the pain of the past, we will be experiencing that pain over and over again everywhere we look
- If we focus on protecting ourselves, we will indeed protect ourselves and significantly contribute to our loneliness
God knew that we needed some direction in where to place our focus. There is a scripture that comes to mind that I think really addresses this. It is found in Philippians 4:8 ‘Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.’
Please see a previous blog post about Let Go Of The Past. How to heal from hurtful experiences.
“Happiness is something that no one else can ever give to you”
When our focus is on the desired end result and not the process, frustration will develop leading to hostility and other character traits that take us away from the desired goal.
In sales, when one walks around all the time thinking about the millions of dollars that they are going to make and how they are going to spend the money, they usually never become successful salespeople. However, if they focus on doing the process of developing leads, making strong presentations, and follow up, etc., they are usually in the top percentage of their sales group.
Applying it to relationships
Let me apply this to relationships to find “the perfect match”. God does not say that everyone will be married, but He certainly placed the yearning within us to connect with others. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be married and I suggest that it is a natural one. However, when we focus so much on finding someone so that we can be married, we have lost a healthy perspective.
The process should be: ‘what could I do to become all the person that God and I want me to be?‘ When you focus on this process to be the perfect match and see the positive changes in you, you are happier and more content. Happy and content people are more attractive and naturally draw others to themselves.
Life is not always fun. Perhaps you have experienced long dry spells in your life when it seems like no matter what you do it is not making a positive difference. I encourage you to have faith, in God and in yourself.
Do not hesitate to reach out to someone you admire and ask for their insights and input. Happiness is something that no one else can ever give to you. It is a condition of the heart that comes from within.
“Happy and content people are more attractive and naturally draw others to themselves”
Ask God to reveal to you where and how you can become all that He and you want you to be.
Author of “Guide to Successful Online Christian Dating”