God says no to sex outside of marriage.

Sex outside of marriage
Sex outside of marriage

Dr. Jim explains why is so hard these days to think clearly about a relationship when sex outside of marriage is at play.ย  Christian singles need to understand the power a sexual relationship has on us and how they can avoid falling into temptation.ย  This article explains why all singles, Christian or not, should avoid sex outside of marriage if they want their relationship to be truly fulfilling and God-honoring.

Dear Jim: Why does God say not to have sex outside marriage?

One cannot be around singles groups very long before this question or one like it (sex outside marriage) surfaces. The sexual side of us is very strong for many (most?) – and the “drive” is NOT a sin.

In Genesis God found man to need someone. Eve was created and sex entered the picture. I believe that God created it because it combines the physical/chemical, emotional, psychological and spiritual parts of us all at one time. Gosh – if that is so – then everyone must NEED it! Well, not so according to what Paul shares in the New Testament.

I find two different forces at play that are often – well, misused. The two are intimacy and sex. One is not necessary without the other. I understand it that all of us need intimacy, but sex is reserved for marriage. Let me explain my thought.

Why did God give us sex?

God placed into each of us the strong desire to be in contact with someone – what I call the need for intimacy. The primary focus for this need is so that we would have an inner hunger for relating to God. After all – He has this hunger for us (and I might illustrate my point by saying that His is not a sexual desire!). There is no intimacy that is any richer nor more satisfying than when we are intimately close in our relationship with Him.

In addition to being intimate with God, He also wants us to be intimate with others. Read all that I am saying and do not take any of my words out of context. This intimacy is found in what we often call “buddies”. It is where we genuinely care about each other, are open at a very vulnerable level and hold each other accountable. No games are being played and we love to be with our “buds” because it is a very fulfilling and affirming experience.

“Sex is reserved for marriage”

Does sex bond us?

Then what about sex? (Do I have your attention?? :-) In marriage, the intimacy that I discussed previously is also very necessary – the hunger to share in a very open and vulnerable way. But there is the added ingredient of sexual relationship. God created sex in such a depth than when we experience it, we are giving away part of ourselves. It is not just an act (where one party or both parties are involved in self satisfaction). I suggest it is just the opposite – where both parties are focusing on satisfying the other. It is a total act of putting another ahead of yourself. But this is only step one.

Sex bonds! If you do not think so, have sex outside of marriage and then try to leave the relationship. It is like tearing something out and walking away with the pieces – jagged as they may be. Used outside of marriage, sex sends “false” signals into our deepest being. It is saying “this is it” – but it is not. By frequent use of this activity outside of marriage, we condition our minds for a lot of damage. Is it impossible to reverse? Perhaps most of it can be reversed – but it always leaves a negative touch on our lives that requires counseling and/or an extended walk with God to cleanse.

For singles, putting sex into our relationships before marriage creates a very practical problem. When we are involved in the power of sex, we do not want to pay attention to all the other ingredients so necessary for finding out if this is the mate that is best for us. It’s hard to honestly look at some traits you do not like and that likely irritate the heck out of you now when you want to have more sex with that person. BUT if you go ahead and choose to marry this person, suddenly sex takes on a lesser role. The many character and behavior traits so key to a successful marriage become very big. You end up with a marriage you do NOT want. Wonder why the divorce rate is so high? Could it not be this is a significant reason?!

(Check our blog post about living together before marriage, and why God says no.)

What to do if you are engaged in sex outside of marriage

If you have been active in sex outside of marriage, I encourage you to think about the bigger picture of what is taking place in your life. Ask Him to show you a better way. Develop a close friend of the same sex where the two of you can be accountable to each other. Take steps to distance yourself from this temptation. Being accountable to your “sexual” partner to not have sex is not the best approach!!

“We are giving away part of ourselves”

Sex is good – no – it is great! God designed it for marriage where it compares to His love for us (we are the bride of Christ). But it is a false fulfillment outside of marriage. Paul says that it is better to focus on this need and creativity on loving and serving God and others.

Don’t let Satan or the strong need to sooth the hurts in your life lead you to take this course. There is a better way and I pray that you seek to find it for yourself.

In His love and mine,

Genesis 2:24; Song of Solomon; Psalms 51:12

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15 comments on “God says no to sex outside of marriage.Add yours →

  1. two separate points in this discussion
    Faith and Physiology
    those who adhere to Faith guidelines, struggle with the consequences of Abstinence.

    the Physiology Force, insuppressible, and expressing it in Sexual natural intercourse ,between Man& woman ,prior to marriage, just unavoidable

  2. There’s some good information in this article and I wish the author clarified intercourse is forbidden but not all other forms of sexual contact are forbidden; hopefully it’s obvious that when God said “Don’t lie” we didn’t extrapolate that we should never talk. I think this is similar. God is always right and that includes in this area. And it’s dangerous to be a pharisee and heap on rules God didn’t give.

  3. I appreciate this message and it is spiritually true but it’s so hard! The desire to do the Will of God and to please him is there. The desire that our body feels is so strong and often can’t be ignore ๐Ÿค”. The physical connection is such a powerful need, how to surpass that? Almost impossible ๐Ÿ˜ I have been good until now but after failed marriage I am getting weaker in that department. All of this is great but I am lonely and need attention, I am so tempted.

  4. I appreciate this message and it is spiritually true but it’s so hard! The desire to do the Will of God and to please him is there. I have been waiting for a man who is also a believer. Someone who lives with the fear of God but I haven’t found him yet. The desire that our body feels is so strong and often can’t be ignore ๐Ÿค”. The physical connection is such a powerful need, how to surpass that? Almost impossible ๐Ÿ˜ I have been good until now but after failed marriage I am getting weaker in that department. All of this is great but I am lonely and need attention, I am so tempted. Where is my Christian man?

  5. I am agree. God have always perfect plans and the best design of universe about sex. Sex is always better in the marriage relation.

  6. Exactly. Also, remember marriage was a social construct designed to allow women to be owned. Men always had several women, from the main wife to the concubine. So if the marriage was so holy and blessed why were and are men not following it to the letter?

  7. Thank you for such a rich and informative article. I believe the journey of purity or any journey at all becomes better when one understands why they are doing what they are doing. Thank you once again

  8. Where are the scriptures to back this up? I agree with the concept but when presenting advice that includes God’s design, plan and commands there should be scriptures to support the belief. God’s thoughts not the writers.

  9. Thank you for this article. Very informative and helpful. I would like to learn more about the importance of celibacy. Any suggestions on literature/books/additional articles?

  10. Our example is to be like Christ. To dedicate yourself to God is an honour. It’s false to think not being married and single is wrong,or less than. God can give grace to those who are single and want to stay single and focus on their relationship with God.

  11. Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins people commit are outside their bodies, but those who sin sexually sin against their own bodies. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies. (TNIV, 1 Corinthians 6:18-20)

    It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; (TNIV, 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5)

  12. It is so difficult to find a guy who truly โ€œlives his faith,โ€ especially in this area. Most guys, after the 3rd date, if no sex, are gone. But, truth is, if you have sex, they are still gone! Or eventually anyway, and on to the next! Itโ€™s been 5 years for me abstaining. I love sex way too much, and I had to ask God to put the breaks on my desires years ago! But, if I find someone to marry, I want those desires back again!

    Thank you for the article!

  13. The Lord gives us peace of mind that passeth all understanding when we follow His laws and will for our lives, …… praise God!

    We should not attempt to alter the definition of ‘sexual immorality’ purely to ease our conscience for going against Gods will for our lives.

  14. For converts to the Gospel, at least for those who walked on the other side of the fence, the difference is blatantly obvious.
    To use an analogy, it is like drinking from a mud puddle, and then drinking from a delicious, cool drinking fountain, that radiates with energy and love and vitality.
    The Hoy Spirit, as in everything else He touches, opens your heart and mind to a completely new level.

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