What does the Bible say and what does God want from us, when some Christians are having a hard time connecting with other believers?
Dear Jim: Is it okay to date a non Christian if I am not finding any Christians?
Life is difficult at times – and older Christian singles often come to a point that they believe there is not a Christian mate for them. Someone comes into their life that is very strong morally and they begin to question whether or not they should go ahead and date this person.
Here are some points for you to consider if you are at such a point:
- It is very sad, but there are many unbelievers that are stronger morally than many Christians. They are good citizens, caring for those around them, and willing to give sacrificially. However, to begin a relationship with them is akin to dating from another culture.
- God led Paul to write in 2 Corinthians 6:14 ‘Be not unequally yoked with unbelievers:’ Although it can be applied to many relationships, it is commonly accepted that Paul was speaking mostly to marrying a non Christian. God, the one who wants the best for us, is very clear in His instruction.
- ‘Unequally yoked‘ came from the application in Biblical days of putting two oxen together in the same yoke – that were very different. I see the picture of a big oxen being yoked to a small one and see them plowing around in a circle!
- Although we should only be considering Christians who are ‘morally’ strong, morals is not the real essence at stake in this consideration. God is saying that I want to ‘bless’ your relationship – from the start and through the years. Think about it – if you marry an unbeliever – this person is saying that they do not believe this is an important element in your marriage. Marriage is about finding and building compatibilities – and this is a major area where it cannot be done.
- We are called to be witnesses to all men/women (Matthew 28). This instruction from Jesus means that we are charged with telling the Story of Jesus to all – and being a witness to them. Some are tempted to take this to mean that we are to date a non Christian and use themselves as examples to bring them to Christ. This is a misapplication of the Word of God. ‘Dating’ implies the desire to lead to marriage. To date a non Christian can often find the unbeliever doing and saying what is necessary in order to marry the Believer. But guess what happens after the wedding and time begins to settle into the marriage? The unbeliever has not really been changed by God’s Spirit and will turn and fight the very thought of honoring God in the relationship.
I encourage you to keep your focus on God and invite His direction in all your relationships. Do be friends with unbelievers and use the friendship (as you are led by His Spirit) to share the love, joy, and peace you find in being a Christian. Ask God to use you to bring them to Christ. However, do not cross the line. Leave it up to God to do the ‘saving’. If God uses you (or someone else) to bring them to Him, THEN and only then can you give consideration to entering into a deeper relationship. May God guide you and grant you wisdom in your journey.
Jim
Really great advice from Jim. That’s the core truth all believers should follow.
A great and confirming word!!! Thank you Jim
It’s encouraging. Good advise indeed. We Christians try to accommodate a non believer as a spouse thinking they will be saved through us and through our conduct. But it’s not our job to force someone to change but we can only influence them. People change if they realize that there is a need to change. It’s a challenging world we live in. I pray that may believers not be weary on waiting for God to present them with another believing spouse. Be strong and courageous.
No, it’s not “ok”, but it’s a temptation at times.
When you see christians acting like the world, your mind starts to rationalize. When christian men see women acting like feminists, and are no different than other women, one starts to rationalize that it’s ok to start dating unbelievers, after all, they aren’t different, aren’t they?
When christian women start getting impatient, or become too picky, and can’t find someone, then you start thinking of pairing with an unbeliever. But that’s not what God commands us to do.
We must remind ourselves that God wants us to have a godly believer. An unbeliever may turn out to be a judgement from God upon us, if we choose to seek unbelievers.
If you are under this temptation, it is far better for you, for me, and for any other christian, to rather stay single, than have such a condemnation upon us. I hope I also heed the words of my own mouth. There can be more contentment in being single, than in being with an unbeliever for the rest of our lives. That’s like hell on earth. It’s not good.
What about “marriage is honorable in all and the bed undefiled, ” and “it is better to marry than to burn,” and to avoid fornication let every man have his own wife and every woman her own husband” ?
And if this person will go to sunday school, church service, bible studies every week for over a year, and otherwise pray and sing hymns and study the word in the home if you ask them, and got baptised in water. Further as a background this person went to church camp and other activities thanks to a neighbor for a couple of years as a child?
Is this person an unequal? What makes someone in an equal yoke. Is there only one yoke ?
I totally agree with Jim.
Good question you ask, David.
To be an equal yoke is I believe someone who is of the same Holy spirit, so a born again person (born from the Spirit of God). Someone who at some point in life dedicated his or her life to God by surrendering to Him.
There are christians in your church that never really did this. They are I believe, cultural christians. If you marry them, you will also be married to someone unequally yoked.
Basically you just drift apart at some point because you have different goals.
Thank you for encouragement message, nowadays as you said unbelievers have stronger moral then some Christians. Sadly experienced on my own. But I believe we cant build “on sand” our future family, and when storm will come you never know how it ends up.
What can you say to a person who does believe in god and not in any religion? And he is morally strong?
True words and I would add that equally yoked also should be interpreted as equally mature in Christ.
If God took the time to be specific on a topic, I will not go contrary. May times when we take the path that we know better than God, we tend to find ourselves in painful regrettable positions.
I agree there are great people out there, but when it comes to married, God’s way is always best.
Great advise. Thank you very much brother Jim. God bless you and your family.
Thanks for the advice. You are very true and correct. My experience of dating a non believer with the hope of changing them is soooo painful. We ended relationship very ugly. My experience was so traumatic I’m even afraid to see nor hear that man’s voice.
The worst is then he left me with a daughter of 3 months.
In your first bullet point you mention that marrying a nonbeliever is akin to marrying someone from a different culture. This is not accurate. While interacial relationships call for different kind of work, sacrifices and middle grounds in comparison to same culture relationships, saying that interacial marriage or relationship is similar to a marriage with a non believer is an extreme statement. All christ followers, regardless of what culture or cultures they come from are believers and none should be led to think that marrying into different culture is related to or akin to marrying a non believer, because it is not.
I’d never thought of this much until I met a woman who had never married. Neither her sister,until her 50s and to a nonbeliever. I’ve seen a stat that Christians are less then 30 percent of the worlds population now. I think we should be counseling believers these days they may not find someone in our culture as it is and christianity stats are diminishing. The only choice is to remain single in these situations.
Thanks a lot. May God strengthen us
I have a son who recently came to Christ. His girlfriend of 3 years is still a traditionalist. She is feeling alone, he is feeling confused. They love each other and are both wanting to get married in the future. After they are both done with University. I understand what the bible is saying, but don’t understand it when it says, that love overcomes all things. I was once a traditionalist before I got married. I married a Christian woman and am still married after 30 years. I eventually came to the Lord and together we became as 1. We struggle like others but continue to work out our salvation. We fall we get up, we repent daily, ask for forgiveness many times in a day. I want my son, to be a doer of the word and an example of how much he loves the Lord. I hope that this will show her, and lead her as well to being saved.