Abusive relationship

Abusive Relationship
When you are caught up in an abusive relationship

If you find yourself in what you consider to be an abusive relationship, it is VERY important that you seek professional counselling. If necessary for safety, the LAW ENFORCEMENT (POLICE) should be brought into the picture for action.

Dear Jim: Is divorce an option to me if I come from an abusive relationship?

Life becomes very trying at times and some of us have had more than our share of difficulties. One of the most challenging is when one lives in an abusive relationship. I have found that what one calls ‘abusive’ is not necessarily the same as the definition of another.

Does God want us to live under in an abusive situation? I believe that the answer is no. However, it does not mean that He grants permission for a divorce. Allow me to share some thoughts.

The Bible only shares 2 circumstances that I have found for a divorce:

  • If a spouse has sex outside of their marriage, the other spouse MAY divorce. Matt 5:32
  • If the unbelieving spouse chooses to leave a marriage, the Christian spouse is not under obligation to stay in the marriage. 1 Cor 7:13

The Bible does not provide grounds for divorce for any other reason, including abuse.

However, it does not mean that the one who finds themselves in an abusive relationship is to live in it. There are some circumstances where it is best for a legal separation. This action should only be considered after much counselling and guidance of a Pastor.

There is a phenomenon when one reaches the point that they ‘want’ a divorce. It is that suddenly everything is magnified. Things that have been small irritations during a marriage suddenly take on huge proportions. The one who wants a divorce is striving to find justification for taking the action of divorce. This is a dangerous time and all too often a rush to divorce is made that is ungrounded.

Please read a previous post to find How does God relate to divorce?

What to do if you find yourself in an abusive relationship?

If you find yourself in what you consider to be an abusive relationship, it is VERY important that you seek professional counselling. If necessary for safety, the law enforcement should be brought into the picture for action. I would also seek the guidance and prayers of your Pastor and church leaders.

I receive emails stating that their spouse ‘used to be’ Christians but no longer are. This cannot be true according to Scripture. There can certainly be those who professed to be Christians who never were. However, I honestly believe that most are indeed Christians and have not been following Christ for some time in their lives. This certainly contributes to their getting off course in their marriage. However, once saved always saved. Ephesians 2:8 states that we are saved by grace through faith and not of ourselves. It is a gift of God, a gift in that we did not do it but only accepted it. God does the saving. If our actions cannot save us, then we cannot lose our salvation by our acts. We can lose our joy and the guidance of the Holy Spirit if we do not allow Christ to be the controller of our lives.

If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, please find a good Christian counsellor. I suggest that you are not able to be objective and make wise choices on your own. The counsellor will be a valuable partner in understanding what is going on and what steps can be taken. Your Pastor is a valuable friend and counsellor to help you keep a healthy perspective through your storm.

May God guide and protect you in this journey.

Warm regards,

Jim

“If you find yourself in what you consider to be an abusive relationship, it is VERY important that you seek professional counselling. If necessary for safety, the LAW ENFORCEMENT (POLICE) should be brought into the picture for action.”

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31 comments on “Abusive relationshipAdd yours →

  1. Your response leaves me believing that you have no understanding about what it means for someone who is trapped in an abusive relationship. Until you have had that experience, it is impossible to really understand how evil and damaging it is is to spouses and children. Unfortunately the same can be said about many pastors and Christians who are in an Elder position in the church. I find there is often little understanding or empathy from pastors and elders because of lack of understanding. I think more reading of the bible and especially the gospels and asking God for more discernment with an open heart. Jesus often broke the rules because it was the right thing to do.

    1. Jesus broke the commandments of the pharisees. Not Gods laws if you study this it will open your eyes.
      There are exceptions for divorce. In both new and old testament and theres grace and forgiveness for us too, if we did the wrong thing.
      Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, unbelief can apply to some one who claims to believe but doesn’t live by God’s rules. I believe both mental and physical abuse are also grounds for someone who doesn’t repent and change, and staying in a relationship like this can a have serious detrimental effects. Some judge without knowing the full story without grace and without love.
      Being unequally yoked can apply to many situation

      1. So many instances in my 10 years of cruel torture, violence snd deprivation of human needs- I saw what you said here……claiming to be a Christian but not living in Gods will. Devil is an outright deceiver

        No regard to Gods laws or commands.

        Remember the devil is a deceiver

        Pretty words
        Liar
        Thief

        He will steal your life, your children, your livelihood, food for nourishment, sleep for restoration, seperate you from your family. Your friends upur community your church Break your heart, body, mind and spirit. Destroy your finances, your company snd sabotage your house, cars,

        So that person telling you he is Christian
        Raised in church
        Might just be devils best worker

        As we try with Hods soft heart to live
        To bring them to Christ

        Don’t forget
        They are supposed to be leading
        As they follow Christ

        I’m still being destroyed daily
        He broke my knees 9 times
        Gave me Covid on purpose
        Kicked out the ceiling so cold winter winds would give me deadly Pnumonia
        Stole keys to all my cars service vehicles that cost me thousands to replace

        3 different times
        Sliced my car wires
        Stole my bank cards
        Used the money to gamble
        Drunken women
        Dope
        Cigarettes
        Booze

        My mother raised me roght
        Loved the lord
        Taught Sunday school
        Sang specials
        I was on stage with tambourine at 2 😊
        I survived this last 10 years only bevause god spared me
        This man threatened my life snd children’s daily he kept me terrified so I wouldn’t go to police
        He’s a chronic liar everything out of his mouth is straight lies —everything he goes (steals/cheats/) he says I do
        Gambling dope cursing he says I do

        It’s such a ?

        I don’t even know what to call it

        So as a man speaks he is yes

        But

        All the horrible attacks illegal choking beating knee breaking
        The stalking running me over on bike running me off highway

        Hod says do not be unequally yoked
        Yes
        But if Satan sends his best deceiver and you find after marriage that ghe “real him” comes out throwing you across the room full force punching you in the breast with no argument

        (A blow to the breast can cause cancer and death)

        The stress
        Terror
        Nerves

        I broke out with such bad stress inside
        That my body erupted in a rash of blood oozing bumps all over for year and a half

        I couldn’t sleep
        I was told by allergy clinic
        Dermatologist
        And numerous trips to Emergenvy room

        I could not be diagnosed except fir stress so bad she’s bleeding out-like Jesus did

        God says don’t be unequally yoked

        Yes
        In marriage
        In lifestyles
        Cultures
        Beliefs

        After marriage
        I found out He was a lazy drug using violent woman hater everyday every thing for Satan
        Time/plots/lies/schemes /dangerous life threatening set-iOS total disregard or respect got human life
        Exact opposite
        Thrived, loved, delighted in watching the pain, suffering crying begging for your life

        Before marriage polite (mimicking)
        Christian behavior said was raised in church

        The reality was he had several women with children before me that he beat, choked pit in hospital, there were deaths, he drugged the children, beat, kicked and even reduced the beloved pets to being sexually assaulted. He had been doing these unfathomable . Unthinkable things his whole life from childhood. His mother and several of his friends mothers all died when all the boys turned 12?

        I have looked at this from several angles snd I can’t find with discretion anywhere Zgod would want a daughter of his to not divorce from this hells entity

        Your marriage was based on his deception

        Later you hear others call him satans son ?!?!?!?!

        😑

        He delights in death to everything
        That is his joy
        Finances
        Companies (I built up 4- he tore down 4) so tires
        Exhausted
        It’s like I have lived 10 years with every second being the most inhuman demonic spiritual attacks from him

        Sooooo

        If god hates divorce under these circumstances that’s religion-not Hod

        Because he himself

        Told me on my way to work one morning walking over the very hall carpet I had been choked on
        Lost one of our babies to death at his hands

        My Lord told me
        Get out!

        So for clergy
        Ministers
        Pastors

        To tell me continue

        When my bible says teach them
        But if they don’t want to hear …

        When my bible says don’t be unequally yoked

        Is it me? Or is my understanding to not be unequally yoked—-means prearranged marriages…before you get married… someone you know-your family knows— so the marriage will be the best kind of love God created—thst between a husband and wife

        I can’t in my deepest discernment believe in my heart of hearts for God that this type of deceiving , destroying, human life taking and destruction of pets based on lies

        I just can’t hear my Father, my savior my Lord say

        Stay

        With the devil

      2. Dave,

        All good examples
        And Scenarios

        Grace and love yes

        And a Christian will immediately extend those
        I extended them beyond capacity for 10 years

        It was all things

        Against God

        Shocking
        Confusing

        Like a whole other person than the one you married

        He was all things opposite what he portrayed for a year and a half

        Once married it was like I was with the Satan himself

        Now some folks here will draw in gasps
        But there are many soul-dead people on the planet

        Again strong words
        But when they profess with eyes that glow while saying they don’t want god in the house or their life

        When they laugh maniacally after they break your legs intentionally
        9 different times look you straight in the eyes snd tell you you broke your own legs ?!?!?!
        And keep repeating you better not go to doctor snd tell them anything

        Deprived of emergency medical attention more times than I can count — took me 2 years to walk not allowed crutches

        When you find that they (spouse)do not want to repent

        Laugh at you

        They’re not wrong -no reason to repent -and go down a list they’ve achieved (cheating, lying, stealing beating choking pets-wife) telling you you did it
        They love their evil self too much too repent
        Curse God 😭

        This is not an emotionally written statement

        There are those entities roaming this earth
        Among us they look like us but
        Who are 100% deceitful
        Who look for the one to devour
        Snd has done so many times before
        I came along
        Difference with a good Christian woman is she will pray for him
        Go through hell literally
        still feel sorry for him
        Try to help him
        Not give up on him

        Difference in him is
        He sold his soul along time ago to devil
        Is proud of this and says so
        And his greatest victory is that he deceived a Christian right into marriage

        Then unveiled the evil spirits when it was too late

        I was trapped

        I would hear phone conversations where people would ask him is he was playing with his demons

        So different situations, people in marriages

        I don’t want to shock the stream but I know god does not want a Christian child yoked with that-

  2. I also have to say that abuse continues because men of the church don’t speak out against it. You should stand up for those who are are weaker. The bible instructs you to do that but it doesnt happen enough. Abuse us not love. You should be ashamed for not taking a stronger stand against abuse.

    1. There are many kinds of abuse, both from men and women, from violence to mental abuse,
      All are guilty in some way from manipulation to arrogance and from using an unjust legal system to our own ends to gain what we don’t deserve or to darken someone’s name or character so we might look to be right in the eyes of others.
      I’ve seen love killed hope rejected and children without fathers, because mothers want to hurt the ex.
      It’s immature childish and selfish to destroy others to obtain what we want or feel what we are entitled too, but one thing is for sure, theres a God in heaven that sees us for what we are and who we have been.
      And the only way we will treat others right is by love.

      1. You’re absolutely right

        Right is right
        Wrong is wrong

        And consequences will be just
        Yes our unjust legal system creates a ground for breeding temptation

        Where untruths are told

        And families are destroyed

        Children without fathers due to these atrocities are the biggest saddest loss

    2. Yes
      Yes & yes 🌻 😊

      It took me most of my adult life and living around serval different cultures reading several different doctrines before I realized the men were designed to be warriors -they were designed to protect our minds and hearts and emotions because they are not wired the same way.

      I spent my whole life being independent and a fighter

      right is right and wrong is wrong

      and I would step in if I saw a man hurting a woman I didn’t even realize I was a girl myself as in should’ve been protected should have been cared for should have been loved

      I was too busy saving the world loving everyone else and feeling all of the hurt and pain they felt

      I love putting smiles on everybody’s face I stayed resilient somehow from what men did to me thanks to my mothers Christian upbringing.

      I just can’t for the life of me understand how I have the defense and protection toward others for others and I’m a girl and I’ve always been a little little girl but I I can’t stand to see an underdog a weak or a child a pet a mother a grandmother the elderly a loving wife who has given him children get harmed by the strong leader of the family

      all these things had a different take
      a different meaning when I came closer to God when I prayed for the Holy Spirit and discernment and got it all of a sudden all the things all the ways that I had seen in my whole life that were mine made absolutely no sense

      and now I see it too clearly exactly what you have expressed what happened to gods design? Men don’t realize they’re men they want to fist fight you men don’t realize they’re men they want you to bring home the paycheck while they stay home and drink beer or watch TV orCall other girlfriends I’m not saying all these are my personal experiences the last 10 years have taught me more than I could’ve done without in a lifetime of physical, emotional and mental abuse-

      today was a total meltdown day of tears and crying because it’s been a relentless attack on my family my family’s lives everything living has been put to death by this ex-husband who not only was not a protector and provider but destroyed what I provided protected and built up time
      After time I realize that only certain does this but when you’re looking at the person you’re married and you’re looking at the person that is supposed to protect you and doesn’t the person who supposed to protect your mind and your heart and is the cause of the worst trauma and broken bones to your body our society has long excepted this brutality as what a husband does even the church standdown on this and don’t stand up for God’s laws and protection

      and I know there’s a place in the Bible where God says clearly to those pastors and preachers don’t lead your sheep astray

      God says be bold

      he does not say flex his rules because somebody gets uncomfortable and becomes a people pleaser

      I commend you for what you said it’s very well put

      I’ve never been what they call a man basher unfortunately most of my life I saw both male and female on equal grounds

      But It’s actually an exception to the rule to expect men to be protectors?

      It’s offensive for us to expect what God designed them for? Because I never did and I’m finding out now (so much closer to God) that’s their job they are designed wired born with -these instincts –

      so how can a man relax and not embrace his strengths, and not defend and protect the smaller built weaker wife that loves him?

      Even worse…harm her himself?

      Why-how can men

      Will men

      stand upright

      when even the clergy is not?

  3. No body needs to be in abusive or violent marriage , regardless of what it says in the bible , the bible has not changed in 2700 years but people of today have .
    Please keep safe

    1. Very well stated

      Bible same
      People changed

      People are not following Gods commands
      Breaking his laws
      Bending the rules

      And if they are to the point of hurting the one they should love most

      In any way

      They’ve been opening doors for a long time to Satan

      Might have started small but to get to that point

      They’ve Already crossed too many other
      Lines

  4. Well , I think as a Biblical counselor still in training this article has said nothing wrong at all but they have simply highlighted some few essentials on abusive R / ships.

    I also understand that we are all coming from different churches , but I do not think that a True Bible believing church would ignore people that are being abused. We can not blame the church , pastors or deacons because we are going through such situations. We have to seek help , and if it continues for our own safety we should just leave and involve the law enforcement if possible.

    I believe God is faithful and near to the faint hearted. We can never understand the pain one goes through when they are in an abused R/ ship , but we have Christ who is faithful in helping us to make the right decisions ( Matt.7 : 8 ) .

    CC we appreciate your post though you might not have covered the different forms of abuse and how exactly does abuse look like.

    Let us remember the fall in Genesis 3 has distorted everything . It is only the grace of God alone that can save us .Before marriage we should pray for Godly wisdom , cause some people confess to be Christians but yet they do not even have a R/ ship with God. Such situations will always end in tears. Especially online dating to mention , we should be extra careful too .Only God knows the hearts of people.

    “Keep me from deceitful ways; be gracious to me and teach me your law. I have chosen the way of faithfulness; I have set my heart on your laws” (Psalm 119:29–30). May the Lord bring healing , safety, recovery , peace & breakthrough to all that have suffered abuse or are still in in such relationships.

    1. Miriam

      Thank you for overall covering the bases

      The respect to CC for touching on the subject

      Everything in your post is in line with God
      And therefore makes perfect sense all the way through

      Enlightening and explaining

      Thank you for your contribution

  5. The word abuse is pretty vague here. Abuse can be physical, mental, or perhaps some other. It can stem from an underlying mental health condition or from particular sin. I think the bible is pretty clear on what a marriage should look like. The picture of marriage is metaphorical and it’s beautiful. If it’s not working out I think the author is right in that you should seek counseling to try to get to the root cause. If you don’t get the answer you are looking for maybe consider getting a second opinion from two or maybe three other counselors. In the end, it may be a sin to divorce, but we all have sin. The issue remains that sin often has consequences that are often far-reaching and can lead to regrets later in life. As a church I think certain wiser members would like to save you from these. Nothing wrong with separation to try to work through some things. The question remains are you trying to work through them or are you trying to run from them. Running away from your problems usually doesn’t get you very far. I am not a licensed counselor or a pastor, but I often find myself in a position to help others and teach from some of my life experiences. Warm prayers.

    1. In dangerous volitile violence poisoning choking killing pets and unborn babies intentionally fist punching in throat breast snd face can cry sh a woman’s skull

      I don’t think that’s me running from my problems

      I think that’s me running from his

      using discernment from my God to not stay snd become a statistic at satans hand like my dog, 2 babies and almost my other son

      I couldn’t live or survive he constantly kept trying to kill us all

      That is not from god to tell someone to stay in that situation

      No matter if HIS problems are spiritual, mental illness

      HE has to want to be healed/fixed/

      where generations before him were the same I found out too late

      None of them wanted god in their life
      Went into violent angry rages if I pick up the Bible

      I would be immediate choked
      Pushed down the stairs

      God was NOT ALLOWED in his house

      I stayed based on these God changing miracles

      Because of my faith

      BUT

      IT WASNT DEPENDENT ON ME

      it is soul wrenching and heart breaking to hear you say it’s the victim

      Running from problems

      So just stay and get killed off like all the other lives around me?
      Some “people” aren’t people at all

      They are devils’ entities destroying and ending gods lives

      Run!

      Separate yourselves from these

      They are possessed snd you are suppressed by devil

      Taking the unbearable unsurvivable constantly daily is not a marriage of God

      To feel GUILTY?
      And say I’m running from MY PROBLEMS?!
      Uh
      Not so much as running for my life so my last living child would not witness moms death

      Don’t lead your sheep astray into certain slaughter by the evil

  6. Jennifer,

    So perfectly true that without experience the entrapment and cycle of abuse is not understood by anyone. Additionally, as you stated without anyone taking a stand, and in fact promoting the philosophy stated in this article, the church becomes a breeding ground for such men as they can use this philosophy to guilt the person and manipulate. Even a legal separation gives that person power and control because you cannot be from of them.

    There are several Scripture that allow for divorce on the grounds of abuse. In the Old Testament, I believe in Deuteronomy, their is Scripture that states if a man marries a woman and then decides he no longer wants her, he is to let her go and allow her to be free. While one can argue that if the abuser wants to maintain the relationship one should stay in the marriage (which is disgusting 🤮 to even have to type such a statement), the fact is very rarely will an abusive person physically opt out of the marriage because abuse is not about anger-it’s about power and control. But the abuser will reject the wife in other ways. A man that will verbally degrade his wife over and over and make excuses for his violent behavior does not want to be with her, he just doesn’t want her to be away from him.

    There is also Scripture that states to have nothing to do with “a railer,” which in looking at the Greek is an abuser. This means not just the wife, but those who are surrounding him. The abuser is like a monster that grows-with each person that he continues to associate with and who hears his story of self-pity, he is being fed until he is enormously gigantic. He needs to be cut off from his supply. God’s hope is for restoration, and the goal would be for that person to get PROFESSIONAL help. If the perpetrator is not willing to do that, then no one should be having an ongoing relationship with them as they are enabling the perpetrators. How about when the church knows someone is in sin? Aren’t they supposed to bring it before a group of believers if the person is perpetual in their behavior?

    The church can’t preach that a victim should maintain an abusive marriage even in a separated matter yet neglect there own responsibilities. This just continues the cycle of the behavior of the abuser to fall on the victim and continues to keep the responsibility in the victim’s court. If the abuser continues his behavior and others continue to engage him and he’s allowed in the church, where is the victim to safely get her support? In the end, the abuser maintains his position among fellow believers and the victim has to start all over and left wondering, “Where is God in all of this?”

    1. I totally agree with you Lisa and Jared. We pray and hope God raises men & women in the Church that will faithfully teach and help people going through abuse and not to suppress them. It is a serious issue that should never be igonerd. Divorce is a sin , but what should be done if it is not rooted in the framework of what is expected of a Biblical Marriage ? We wisdom .

    2. While reading this articular my first thought is that the author do not understand what it mean to be in an abusive marriage because he has never experienced it. I just walk out of an abusive marriage of 18 yrs throughout all this time I made excuses for the mental, physical and emotional abuse. Even my relationship with God was being questioned. How can God who says His thoughts towards me are thoughts of good and not of evil how to prosper me and not to harm me and how to give me an expected end require me to stay in a marriage with someone who does not love me and used me, treat me like dirt. He promise to love me as Christ love the church but was lying. Marriage is a covenant between 2 people if one person breaks the covenant the other is still suppose to subjected to a broken covenant? Women all over the world are dying silently in marriages because wicked and unreasonable men are creeping their way into churches and turning good women into victims for life because the churches give them a blank cheque they continue to abuse their spouse because they know they cannot be divorce according to scripture they continue to torture and Maime then. The church is now a safe haven for abusive people. Churches should preach on how abusive behaviours in marriage counselling and during service. Abusing God’s cration is not a light matter when one is being abused by a spouse it can break you faith in God.

      1. Jacky,

        Very good points

        The church is accepting too many ungodly behaviors these days

        Not bold to denounce abuse

        And yes
        Women are dying silently
        Violently

        Mothers lost to death

        And trained to accept this abuse
        Pain
        Broken bones
        Heart
        Hope

        Their daughters will suffer watching it & learn and blame mom if she survives asking why did you stay with him?

        Sons can learn the behavior how to be a man from watching his dads harm, disrespect, hostile, treatment toward his mother

        What you say is sad

        What you say is truth

    3. Lisa,

      I have to say hands down (hands up 🙏)this is the best-description of a narcissistic abuser— from A to Z

      He uses his wife to belittle

      Chops her down so he can stand taller

      He fabricates lies to the church, school, friends and family portraying her as the one

      Doing everything he actually is doing to her

      He will say she abused him
      He will say she has a drinking problem
      Is abusive etc

      A self-loving narcissist does not like or love anyone but himself

      He does not serve the lord

      He is self-serving

      At his wife’s expense

      He has an edge
      Married to a Christian wife
      Easy defeat
      As she loves
      Snd never gives up on her children’s father

      He only looks at her as weak pathetic snd disrespects her

      The YWCA was involved as a Christian organization but statistics from women lives taken at their husbands hands —the very hands that were supposed to protect her from harm.

      Before the women died they watched the same man kill their beloved pets snd harm the children in most instances mentally and physically incapacitated for the rest of their life

      And

      The children that could still semi-function-saw the abuse and later had to live with the facts of how their mother died

      I can’t add or take away from your post-you pinpointed the reality of living in an unsafe dangerous home with a man that should have NO power over his wife snd children since he is obeying the wrong power

      I’m so glad you explained it so well

  7. Hello… I’ve read some of the comments on this issue, I had a friend that went through psycological abuse for a long time but nobody kwew, she was afraid of leaving him because she didn’t want to go back home to her parents. Many women hide this and people don’t know anything. In many countries still today, like South America or continents like Africa, women are still suffering these difficulties. What can be done in these cases?

  8. I know and heard a lot of people who fought for their family amid challenges not excluding physical and verbal abuse. Even if the process of praying,acting upon it and waiting for reconciliation as well as transformation didn’t take for a very short time to some, they did it anyway. I heard some took many years of praying and fasting for the husband or wife to get to know God and be transformed by Him. I believe it is part of commitment and promise during their wedding that through thick and thin, for poorer or richer, in sickness and in health, til death do they part. And that’s part of sacrifice, commitment and unconditional love. If you just love your husband or wife because they are loveable, how can you show your loyalty, commitment and love for them when they aren’t the partners you expect them to be? Especially if you know before marriage that he or she isn’t a Christian, what can you expect from a non Christian husband or wife? So we must need to be more understanding and check ourselves too. Don’t just put all the blame on the partner and file a divorce. There maybe instances that one needs to separate in cases of extreme abuse but divorce should not be an option just because the law of the land in some countries allows it. If we are willing to entrust everything to God and obey His Word, He will give us the strength to keep going and be used by Him to win the wife or husband who isn’t in the Lord.
    I hope and pray that people won’t easily give up on their partners and family during difficult times. If we confess that we are believers, we need to humble ourselves before the Lord, listen to His Word, to Godly counsels and what the Holy Spirit says. There are already so many broken homes around the world because of divorce and if people who are hurting continue to depend on it for comfort, for freedom, then what advise and what kind of family can we give to our children..

    I know many are in pain, many are hurting, many want divorce for whatever reason that they may think but I really hope and pray that you can endure some more, pray some more, wait some more and fight some more and celebrate more victory in the end with your family.

    Pray pray pray and wait upon the Lord to renew our strength.

    God bless everyone 🙏🙏🙏

  9. God clearly told me

    “Get Out”

    After 3 years of torture, terrorizing, wiping out the bank account repeatedly, bringing down every business I built up, physical assault (choking, pushing down stairs-lost 2 unborn children to violence,, ran off the highway, poisoned, chopped roof up on my house with pick axe, , starved, locked in home from outside, lied to others to cause harm to me—in short-from Chicago-Dad was “involved” back in the 40s-he had zero Christian friends -after repeated attempts to stab me one night (he had hid in courtyard shadows for 3 nights)
    -rebroken my legs 9 times hospitalized in last year 13 times, intentionally gave me Covid which I had 11 months and almost died from them put holes in my roof over my hallway to allow the worst winter swirling freezing air to pour into my house in every room /I had left but the house had no electric or water yet had been vacant
    15 years -I got deadly Pnumonia for 4 months after Covid then as we went into summer 3 heat strokes
    His godless friends always told him how to
    Eliminate me-run over me-pour lighter fluid all over me-the trauma snd shock that a human being could be capable of this snd much much more
    Begs the question:
    Was he himan? Or demonic entity?
    He had no conscious no remorse
    The delight and joy at harming beating not just a pregnant wife with your seed growing in her body but the family OETA good good dog helpless kitten found in pool of blood where vet said the dog had been sexually violated while I was working 20 hrs day (because he wouldn’t)
    Just a brief insight into hHe world we live in
    Extremes?
    Maybe
    But
    Recall the angels kicked out of heaven
    The giants that recreated with humans

    There are satans people
    Doing his work same as we do Gods

    Drug sellers
    Liars
    Thieves

    Minds that are long gone obeying devil
    There is a vast spirit world

    Black magic
    Practicing witches in the church

    Who set out to partner with a Christian

    To destroy them

    Laughing maniacally behind the scenes as all of us
    Kind
    Understanding
    Praying
    Trying to share and teach our Lords love, patience, and hope no matter what comes against us

    Even if it’s the devil
    In human form
    Or his best workers

    My own experience with a human (look like a human), and In Gods image

    Tells me nothing good came from him

    As as some will gasp at my bold honesty

    It is 100% on point

    It was like expecting Satan to be a good husband
    I can’t use the

    I’m disrespecting my husband
    Or
    It’s my perception

    Being choked to ur Heath where you actually see heaven
    The brilliant light
    The humming of angels

    That’s not a Christian husband
    He killed his own babies inside of me twice
    Tried to kill me too many times to count threatened to kill my daughter who has lupus snd very sick
    Snd threatened to shoot my son in chest with a gun because he called to wish me merry Christmas

    Jealous
    Rage
    Death to every living thing
    Every family member baby pet
    Finances
    Health

    No
    I read the comments above snd I am glad to see real life in your comments

    Abuse may have degrees of seperation

    But a Christian husband dies not do this evil

    At the expense of worrying about his reputation blackened by the community

    And assuming the wife is doing vengeful acts

    If she comes to pastor for help
    Ashamed
    Hurt
    List because her marriage her life is being destroyed by Satan

    We blame the victim

    Ohhh no
    God says he is no respect or if persons

    Snd to be upstanding in your community

    He dies not say abuse THAT
    And make the wife hopeless & helpless
    After she finally desperately reached out

    And then the church be more concerned with his image?
    What people think?
    Cover for him?

    God says this

    If you are a people pleaser
    You are not pleasing HIM

    That old skool
    Cover up

    That’s not ejat god said at all

    And I love how everyone with different views snd input all agree on one thing

    No harm
    Hurt
    Or malicious intent
    Are acceptable to anyone much less the partner you have in life & love

    God says this is the best love experience of all of them that he created

    I’m old enough to remember not having a voice
    Shove it under the rug
    Sexual assault , brutal punches
    Pull up your bootstraps out a smile on your face and serve snd take care of the word

    Nope

    God wants his children to live their best life
    Have the mate he created for them

    The above mentioned activities to kill snd destroy every living person snd every hood and right thing
    Is not of God

    We’re not where we are supposed to be

    Snd we are living (surviving) below sub existence fighting for life level

    No time for testimony

    No time for worship
    Fellowship

    To even think

    Because you are so wrapped up in the turmoil of chaos
    Trying to protect your children
    Terrified depressed traumatized pets

    No

    The Bible’s working your marriage our strategies are applicable to

    Equally yoked or arranged marriages yes

    It’s same today as yesterday and tomorrow but we may end up with a deceiving “Christian” who was only ever a Christian because they were locked up at 8 years old for trying to stab their own mother
    They know the Bible bevause they were forced in juvenile detention heavily sedated to attend weekly

    Then they grow up

    Then they use that biblical knowledge to deceive you

    They grew up Lutheran with grandparents
    Taking them to church -carry a bible to drive the point home—

    The devil is the deceiver

    He sent his best worker

    I tried 3 years/them from a distance 5 more

    If I speak Gods name

    He would come unhinged
    Violent
    Raheful

    We sll know what this means

    I ran that road as a Christian

    I never got mad
    Never gave up

    Thinking
    God wants EVERY soul
    Thinking he saw slot of trauma an death in Chicago
    Wanted him to see Gods love
    Acceptance

    He already knew
    Gloated
    Enjoyed
    Lived got the evil around him he created through threats, lies, terror

    He read online about military tactics how to wear u down through all night violent attacks

    Sleep deprivation under duress

    Every time I cooked s wonderful meal (every night) got him he would shove it down and then keep me from even one bite by starting fights

    I realized later every time I went for first bite
    He did this to keep me from food
    He did it to dog snd Kitten too

    Soooooo this isn’t the adorable word abusive

    These days it terrorizing
    Murder for life insurance snd even worse

    It’s devil all over the earth
    Not a mild hubby not talk to me deal

    HOW do you know BEFORE you marry

    The reality there is a spirit world

    And he comes to steal
    Attack
    Kill
    Destroy

    All of these adjectives describe my ex his bands actions exactly

    Soooooo should I spare his reputation And take one for the team?
    Pretend we have the perfect church with no real life problems?
    Defend him from church because he’s not the only one involved in other liaisons?

    God is real
    Life is real
    Death is real

    My church is real
    And they speak on these things in our life today so we can apply biblical principals

    To dealing with principalities of the dark

    I stayed and kept staying not giving up on him
    Knowing God can heal

    But

    Only if the soul-less want to be

    & they don’t

    They love their work
    Delight in it
    God will also turn his back
    Will not hear their prayers after so long

    He will not allow them money because it goes to devils addictions
    Drugs
    Gambling
    Alcohol

    Waste

    Can’t give pearls to swine

    That also means a God fearing Christian woman

    There’s no deciding
    No waiting
    Abuse as some of you said is a broad spectrum umbrella with degrees of seperation

    A marriage should be tight partners
    Trust best friends

    Partner for life

    Not enemy every day

    Every situation is dogfeeent
    Every person
    Personality

    A. marriage is not a marriage is not a marriage

    If we are lied to
    Ddvieved,manipulated hsve no family to talk to or a pastor that thinks any woman would try to sully his face in the church just because dhe’s bored

    No
    That’s the reason no one teaches out

    Shot down
    Right in the middle of her worst life struggling just for survival

    Today’s abuse vs 40 years ago

    Bibles still the same
    We are not
    Snd more devils puppets out their killing in destruction

  10. I want to be very clear, I may appear to be very hard on the church below, but I’m really only hard on specific church leaders who did not take their shepherding duties seriously. Those who took the easy Road, the Bible is rarely does absolute as pastors like to make it. Thou shalt not kill, but a thief may be killed if caught breaking in at night. Thou shalt not kill is not black and white, neither is marriage and divorce.

    I sympathize with many of the women here, talking about being trapped in an abusive relationship and no one understanding. I live this for years, suffering because I should just man up. Eventually when I turn to the church for counseling they were dismissive, a second church was also dismissive, trying to get counseling on my own and encouraging my ex to attend got us nowhere. She had what she wanted and I didn’t matter. Emotional abuse escalated to regular threats of divorce, the church did nothing, she began to have separate bank accounts, and in the end couldn’t even help buy groceries. It became very apparent that she was setting up a divorce, and I witnessed my cage being built. Finally after one more threat of divorce, I decided to finally have it done on my timeline not hers.

    I struggled immensely with the topic and found the book Marriage and Separation by Campbell (a very difficult book to find written by a Pauline Dispensationalist, that exegites 1 Corinthians 7. His conclusion was that a marriage that unrepentantly pursues an unbiblical end, working against all teachings of the Bible, may be dissolved, and remarriage permitted. Another helpful work was Rushdoony’s Institutes of Biblical Law. Remember, Jesus came to establish the law not abolish it(Matthew 5:17). Matthew 19 is not Jesus only limiting it to sexual sin, but serious uncleanness as in Deuteronomy 24 in opposition to the “any cause” of the religious leaders. Deuteronomy 24 cannot be sexual sin (which was death). Fornication as Jesus uses is used elsewhere in the New Testament for other crimes against the family, see Hebrews 12:16 Essau’s despising the covenant family for example.

    Church leaders must rule their house well. (Shouldn’t all believers), I know of a Baptist church that supported their Pastor’s divorce due to open rebellion by his wife… I’ve seen neglected abandoned women live through multiple affairs only to finally leave the Church because “if she loved him enough he’d repent”

    Do believers have no recourse when the commands of any Bible verse e.g. 1 Cor 7:5, Eph 5:22 or 25, etc. ? Why doesn’t the Church try to right these wrongs before divorce by diligent inquiry? Why is it just knee jerk, “submit more/love more” instead of acknowledging and confronting sin early.

    A clear reading of Matthew 19. “All men are not able to receive it” is Jesus, critique of the Apostles knee jerk celibacy argument. The Apostle Paul by inspiration begins his discussion marriage in 1 Cor 7, with the difficulty of celibacy as an argument for Marriage, drawing directly from Matt 19.

    I finally concluded that divorce should only be sought in extreme cases, due to extreme hardness of heart, and only if a better outcome is not available. I fought her repeated threats of divorce for 5 years, including begging my church to realistically intervene (which they ignored). Our Marriage no longer glorified God, and made a mockery of the relationship between Christ and His Bride.

    Since my divorce, I’m able to worship more faithfully (in a new church) and train up my son more Biblically. Strangely, after divorce my son’s mother cooperates more now that there’s a legal divorce decree than she did with a legal marriage.

    I paid a heavy toll for staying as long as I did. The long slow death and eventual recognition of that by divorce hurt more than the death of 6 family members. Stay as long as you can, work as hard as you can, have no doubts, have no regrets, know that you tried as hard as you could. Don’t look for an easy out. Divorce will hurt you for life.

  11. Malachi 2:16 says the Lord hates divorce but he also hates violence. It’s spoken as divorce itself is violence but what if there is a physical abuser? I witnessed my step father beat my mother at a young age. (The kind of abuse where he would repeatedly crack her skull against the wall). It affected me greatly. We left when he came after me….with his blessings because he admitted he’d never be able to live with himself if he hurt me. I was 5.

    I repeated the story by marrying an abuser. I stayed 10 years because I couldn’t find a scripture to leave. He hit me in the stomach and even choked me 2nd and 3rd trimester w my last child. Finally he beat my 3 yro in a wheelchair. Children’s services gave me a choice to lose my kids and stay or leave and keep them. I had already left. I did not need a scripture then. I had to protect my child. I offered counseling but my husband refused saying he was the man of the house, I had to submit and the kids could live with his parents. Ummm no. I had 3 in diapers at the time. My youngest was 6 wks old.

    While I do agree the word “abuse” is used widely, sometimes it is dangerous. I regret I stayed long enough for him to hurt our child. I went to the associate pastor where we had gone for years, tithed, I even taught Sunday school. We surrounded ourselves w a group of 6 couples to help us. 3 of them advised against me getting counseling of any kind as the counselor might suggest divorce. 6 mos later it was Christmas. I still had 3 in diapers and only had food stamps and the generosity of living in an empty home a friend was selling. I asked my associate pastor for help w Christmas presents as my children were young. I was told my problems were my own because I left my husband. ( He had taken all the $ out of our checking and savings to force me back home so I had none).

    I divorced him 22m later as he still refused counseling and I needed child support to survive. Yes I was educated …with a Master’s even but I couldn’t afford 3 in childcare.
    Remember I also have a child in a wheelchair. I do not regret leaving, only not leaving sooner before he hurt our son. However it was my desire not to disappoint God that kept me.
    Unfortunately it took me YEARS to overcome my shame from divorce and abuse and some came from the church I was attending at the time.

    But 13yrs later God has been good…He provided and protected and built into the children and I. I never felt condemned or convicted for leaving or divorcing. We also found another church, one that even had a domestic violence support group. I don’t know how I would have survived without them.

    I do NOT think divorce should be taken lightly. But separation is not always a viable option either. Technically if married you are to still submit to your husband and I could not do that and keep my children safe. I tried for months separated. Eventually I had to look at the scriptures that talked about leading a child astray. I could not let my children believe abuse was okay. We could not continue to be victims when he had already broken the covenant with violence and refused to do anything differently. While I wish it could have been different I no longer hold guilt for his transactions.

    God did give me a scripture. Acts 12: 5-17. It is the one where angels freed Peter in prison. They woke him, told him to get his sandals and go.

    And yes he remarried so I am “technically” free as well.

  12. Spoken like someone who has never experienced abuse. I always tell such people, if this were happening to your daughter, tell her to stay. Watch her get beaten up everyday and tell her to stay. Then come on Sunday and preach in front of her about how God loves and cares and protects.

    1. On that comment

      You speak volumns

      My own Daughter told me once

      Mom

      If you would not want me with a guy like that

      You should set the bar like that for yourself also

      In other words
      Judge my husbands behavior by what I would want/accept/not tolerate for her.

      A good measure

      for abused, terrorized, tortured wives. If you won’t allow your daughter to be traumatized by a man
      Why should you allow yourself, a mother… to be?

  13. The principle seems simple enough to me. If the other person cheats on you/breaks the bond of oneness, you are free to leave and to be married to another.

    If it’s an abusive relationship, definitely get counseling and legal help, and leave for your safety and mental health if that seems to be how God is leading you. The only problem I see would be you getting remarried if the other person has not broken the bond of oneness.

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