What is love really like when you are seeking a soulmate? Do Christian singles know where their focus should be and what to look for in a person? What makes a great relationship or a disastrous one? Below are some great points to consider when searching for love online.
Dear Jim: Where is your focus as you seek a soulmate?
Dating is an adventure and using the Internet to find others singles is even more of an adventure. My experience in relating to singles has shown over and over again that they place their focus on what they do NOT currently have – versus considering the full dimension of elements essential to a good relationship and what love is about.
What are singles driven by?
Singles are driven by passion. This is a sexual drive that God gave to us and when used as a focus – it drives us crazy. We will spend hours using the Internet to pour over profiles of others and receive a rush just thinking about all the options. It makes one hungry and singles too often begin to fill dating sites with emails in hopes of finding a soulmate to love them. This focus causes them to forget about all the other essential things so important to a future marriage and what is love really about.
Allow me to illustrate this with a question. After one gets married, what percentage of time do you think they will be involved in sex? Let’s be generous and say that it could approach 5% (really???). That leaves 95% of the time that will be involved in all the other things that make up a great relationship OR a disastrous one. Would it not serve a single well to think about these other things when interacting with others?
What should you be looking for in a potential soulmate?
What other things are important? How about character? How about people skills? What about financial discipline? Is there spiritual compatibility? These things take time to surface and reveal themselves. This is the primary reason why I encourage singles to take it slowly as they begin to date to allow time to reveal ALL the things that are so important in a potential mate and in the search for what is love.
Related past blog post: What to look for in a Christian relationship.
Where is your focus? There is nothing wrong or bad about our sexual drives – IF they are kept in a healthy perspective. God’s Spirit is available 24/7 to guide you to the wisest choices in all areas of your life.
5 comments on “What is love when seeking a soulmate?” Add yours →
Ahhh Dr. Jim ….
but how many seek love today and actually focus on what you’re saying it’s less than 2% if that many……
it’s so superficial today it’s not even worth mentioning …..
I believe had a woman written this, the perspective on soul mate would’ve been different. It was an interesting take, though.
Dear Debra. Dr. Jim is a man, he wrote the article. He is a Christian counsellor. ;-)
I am a woman and I agree wholeheartedly with all the points that were made. I was happily married many years. Husband passed away. I am getting to know someone right now and we are taking the time to really get to know one another. He asks the best questions. One of the best things I enjoyed with my husband was the long talks we had. From day one that was the real hook. Almost 40 years of marriage and that was what connected us the most. We shared many other interests. My philosophy is intellectual compatibility. He was gorgeous but I also really loved his mind and his heart.
The idea that God has designated a specific spouse for each person, or that everyone has a “soulmate” who is a “perfect fit” and apart from whom you can never be happy, is not biblical.
Sometimes, the idea of a soulmate confuses and delays a single person from committing to marriage. Sometimes, the idea of a soulmate provides an excuse to someone who is married to seek divorce. Both views are flawed.
Marriage is designed as a lifelong covenant, so it is wise not to enter into it lightly. But fear that we might be missing our true soulmate should not hinder moving forward with a God-honoring relationship. Studying what the Bible says about marriage, praying over the decision, and getting wise counsel from those who know you well and also those with marriage experience are important things to do before getting married. But looking for someone who will “complete you” or be a “perfect fit” is largely fruitless. No human is meant to “complete” any other human. Only God can meet our deepest needs and speak to the most vacuous voids in our hearts. A spouse should certainly complement us and be a good fit. And clearly we do not want to marry someone for whom we do not have genuine love and affection. Marriage is meant to be a joyous and fruitful bond in which the spouses are better together than apart. But such a relationship is often not what is thought of when people refer to soulmates.