Unrequited Love – What are you to do?

Unrequited Love

Some Christian singles find their expectations of love shredded by the fact that the other person doesn’t feel the same way. What to do when love is not returned, but you feel that God has put this person in your life for a reason? Dr. Jim explains what do to when you face a unrequited love.

“Unrequited Love”, when someone whom I think God has sent to be my mate doesn’t agree (or even know I exist): what am I to do?

This statement of unrequited love or one similar to it is often received in an email to me. Sometimes the person will describe how in a dream or vision God described their future mate to them. The person that they met fits this description perfectly. However, the other person isn’t attracted to them or maybe doesn’t that they exist! The added confusion comes in the fact that this single adult is so sure that this is the one that God destined for them and cannot understand why the other person does not see this, too.

The fact is that this person that came into their lives may, or may not be the one that God desires for their mate. Human relationships are very complex, at the very least.

There are many variables at play that could apply to unrequited love:

  • The person could be the one destined for them, but they may not be listening to God or being obedient. I suspect that too often they are too filled with their own agenda that they are missing out on some treasures that God has in store for them.
  • Each of us has our own will and God never forces His will on us. You can pray for this person but I would encourage you not to confront them. This approach is seldom the advisable one.
  • The fact that the single adult may not be receiving clear signals either. Often our ‘needs’ outweigh our judgment and cloud the situation. I find that this often applies to those who do not date very much or do not have much experience in relationships. It is as if they walk around with their “Hope Chest” and desire to stuff the first person they see that ‘appears’ to fit their criteria into the chest.

“Human relationships are very complex, at the very least”

Our belief system that we create has a lot to say about how we can relate to this situation. If you are one who believes that God has selected only one person to be your mate, you will have a difficult time releasing this situation. If you are one who believes that God can work through life’s events and can bring a relationship out of any number of people, then you will still have a challenging time with your feelings but can in time move on.

What does one do? Here are some thoughts for your consideration on unrequited love:

  • Check your ‘signals’ with God. Share with Him that this person ‘appears’ to fit the description of one that God has in store for you and ask Him to confirm this.
  • I also suggest that this confirmation not be your feelings as you are already in that state of mind.
  • Seek the advice of a mature Christian, pastor, or counselor. Share what is taking place and ask for their input. If it is from God, you can hear yourself articulate it to another person. If you find yourself stumbling in an attempt to describe what is happening, perhaps it is a figment of your imagination. God is one of order and does not call us to ambiguity.
  • Ask God to open your eyes to anything you are not seeing or understanding.
    Get to know the person on a ‘friendship’ basis, if that is possible. Enjoy getting to know them and allow them to get to know you. Do not ‘push’ the relationship but see what natural course it takes. If you are woman, read my article on how a woman can let a man know she is interested at: Should a Christian Woman Let a Man Know She’s Interested?
  • Release the situation to God. If this is the mate for you then God is more than capable to bring the other person to this understanding. Step back from the situation and consider that unless this person comes to the point of desiring you, do you really want them to be your mate?

“Ask God to open your eyes to anything you’re not seeing or understanding.”

What is involved in this process?

There is much involved in this process that relates to how we see God and how we believe that He works in our lives. We can know that He is sovereign, He does want the best for us, He will not overpower anyone’s will, and He can always make the best of our lives no matter the circumstances.

Dr. Jim
Author of “Guide to Successful Online Christian Dating”

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15 comments on “Unrequited Love – What are you to do?Add yours →

  1. The best thing sometimes is it NOT working out. If you feel rejected for one reason or another, just remember James 1:17. That Scripture is God’s guaranteed response for your perfect fit. Don’t give up, don’t give in, don’t quit.

  2. I am sorry but he basically said nothing. How would you look at someone and think he or she is the one without ever talking to them? Of course you would get to know them, how would you know unless you go by looks alone. I would say men might do that more than women. I know some men who do this, based on the look that they have in their heads they make a decision and if that look isn’t exactly the height, weight, hair color/eyes etc… they won’t even look at someone else. He is right about one thing if God is sending you someone it won’t be that image you have in your head, it will be what YOU and he/she need in another human being.

  3. Good grief this hit me hard

    I had been talking to a guy at work for four months. We would often eat lunch in his office and talk about all sorts of things we had in common. I really liked him but he never pressed it further. It looked like my overweight self would be stuck in the friend zone once more, but when he told me he was getting another job, I decided to do something. During our lunchtime chats last week I behaved immodestly in his presence. He no doubt saw what I was showing and just like I wanted, lusted after me. I knew this because he asked me out to a local Memorial Day event where we had a great time. We are going out again tomorrow.

    Now I feel so guilty and I’m not sure what to do.

    1. Hi Rebecca

      Rule number one and it is one I have learned to adopt: Never mix business with pleasure. In other words refuse to deal with men you work with. That way everything remains strictly business in the workplace.

  4. I’ve been on both sides of this. Always keep dancing. Even if you’re dancing on your own for the time being. I just figure God must want me more to himself for that time. Seek wisdom, and get lost in the Word. Always keep dancing.

  5. We often determine our value by who loves us. If a boyfriend or girlfriend breaks up with us, then we sometimes consider ourselves less valuable – at least subconsciously. And so sometimes we want an ex back badly because we are craving that feeling of value and importance – that someone else thinks we are valuable and important. Not always. Sometimes it’s just from love and in most cases it’s a mixture of love and wanting to feel wanted/valuable. So it’s helpful sometimes to try to determine how much of our frustration and sorrow from the loss of a relationship is due to wanting to feel value and in simply love.

  6. From elementary school to young adulthood, I’ve been; teased, rejected, ignored, or disrespected.
    Only recently have I gotten more positive reactions from guys, but I have little to no interest in them at this moment. Not to sound cliche, but just no spark. Since I know things change, I allow myself to still interact with them, but I feel nothing.
    I don’t think there’s much out there for my shy self. just a stagnant pool of sadness.

    1. Silver:
      I encourage you not to say this to yourself. You are a great child of God and God has the best in stock for you. Know that you have a heavenly father that looks out for you. Cry unto him and he will show you or direct you to your perfect mate.

  7. I’m 58 years old and have been friend zoned and rejected by every woman I’ve ever fallen in love with. It’s so frustrating and disappointing for this to happen every time. A couple of years ago I fell in love with a woman and am stuck in unrequited love again. She’s not interested in me and only considers me to be a friend. Why does the Bible say that it is not good for man to be alone, but then for an unlucky few of us, we seem to be doomed to be alone our whole lives??? I know life isn’t fair, but I’m still very bitter about always being on the losing end of love.

  8. Thank you for this inspiration. Sometimes I feel like we forget that we are not the only ones to go through this when we are in it.
    My feelings are so sure and strong and powerfully overwhelming sometimes for loving this man I changed my life for. He is done. HE is at least loving and kind enough to admit he gave me so much of himself. He invested heavily and is just done and had “enough.” When enough is enough is how he feels and I am still so darn committed and in love! I must move forward. Thank you for showing me. I understand I am not the only one with feelings in this world. God willing I will find someone for me again for our community. I enjoy being a conscious loving and feeling Christian. I miss Bible Study. It is ok. Everything about being this type of nerd is gonna be okay?
    Thank you!

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